Monday, March 30, 2009

Is it May Day?

Because there are red flags everywhere today.

So. Date with Sy was okay, better than I thought. We went to dinner at R. Thomas, which is kind of a kooky place but I was tired of all the usual places. I had convinced myself that she was more unattractive than she is, so that was a pleasant surprise (hey, I know it's shallow, but I also know how dancing can cause me to make some very bad choices, and I don't just mean looks-wise.) She got me to talk, which can sometimes be a feat. But there were a couple of things that make me even less than enthused about dating her:
1)She only orders the chicken, wherever she goes, and she cooks it at home, too. Even when I ate meat, I thought that chicken was boring. Signs point to lack of adventure= bigs points lost.
2)She said she can't do anything without a schedule, and balks at spontaneous plans. *red flashing lights* I need to be spontaneous, I am somewhat of a "free spirit", that just happens to habitually lock herself in a study-mad schedule.
3)Insecure texting/communication patterns: she texted me earlier today saying that she had a great time and that she hoped to see me again soon... and I, not sharing quite the enthusiasm, put off replying to her. Then, after I return to my piles of clothes, books, and papers that I call my room, I see that I have a text asking if I received the one she sent earlier. A bit too intense for me. (Although, if I were into her more, it probably wouldn't be. As is, I'm a little irritated by it. It's like clinginess before even going out.) This, in combination with her possessive swooping in after my one song of dancing with SJ that night, makes me more than a little wary.
Clearly, I'm not really wanting to date her. But, I also suck at turning people down, and don't really know how-- at least, not face to face. I'm thinking that I don't really have a lot of time to meet up with her anyway, so it's not going to be a huge issue, but I need to be able to just freaking say shit like this, so I'm going to think of how to phrase it. *shrug* I'm not really that bothered about it, though, which is just kind of indicative how tepid I feel on the whole matter.
So far, my experience of dating is a little iffy. But that may be because I'm pretty picky about who I want to spend vast amounts of time with. I'm good for short flings-- in that case, I don't have to be crazy about people-- but there are relatively few people that I actually get mad for. That's when I get scary and obsessive and fall hard. I don't know that I ever 'pick myself up' from those falls, either. I feel like I keep a little piece of my heart reserved for those special people (maybe that I have always ended things on a good note is part of that.) Fortunately for me (and other people, I guess), I have a very large heart. I wonder if I settle down with someone, if that someone will have the last reserved parking space in my heart. I wonder if that's possible :P I love to infinity? (Funny, not too long ago I was grappling with whether I believe in love or not. JB wrote some awesome stuff on that, which I will re-post sometime soon.)
"My heart won't stay entirely in this ribcage" -The Weepies, "Take it From Me" (did you really think I'd go one post without a song reference in some capacity? ha.)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Every twelve seconds, someone remembers

(Ben Lee- All in this together)
Week whooshed by. It's been crazy busy (Physics test on Monday, Chemistry test on Wednesday night from 9pm-11 [that was my fault, it was a take-home.]) and fun. Went dancing twice at MSR... I forgot just how much I love to dance, plus getting attention is always gratifying. (Ha, typical Leo.) I've had some flirty correspondence too, with cisguys from the Martin (the ones that I didn't have any relations with; none from Tor) one of whom said something about how when he first met me he thought I was an amazing, elven, pixie with great style, and that since I've known him only positive things have been added to that list. The other one and I were discussing the possibilities of me dressing up as either Leeloo Dallas (5th Element) or Emma Frost (X men comics/ TV show), both of whom wear rather little. Dancing involved some make-out time, too (more about that below.) I also have a potential date with SS, to watch Coupling= amazing. Oh, and I have a date with Sy tonight (eh. more about this below, too.) Attention is coming from everywhere, and I plan on just basking in it a while, rather than being overwhelmed and maybe a little scared as I was before.

Speaking of Leos and getting attention, here is what msn said my horoscope for today was:
Your love life is a kaleidoscope of shapes and colors today, dear Leo, full of complicated patterns and ever-changing displays of beauty. Everywhere you turn, a new perspective is revealed, and you learn something new about yourself and the people you are involved with. Remain open to the idea of partnership on multiple levels in which you experience different levels of commitment with different people. Every color is needed to make a complete rainbow.
Just thought that was very interesting. I know, we twist it all to fit our lives, but I especially loved that the rainbow came into it, because it encapsulates the different levels and gay pride in one fell swoop.

Went to dinner with S on Friday before we went to MSR, and it totally recharged me. So infinitely grateful for her short stint of the pre-med course: thank you, Universe. I told LJ (not LiveJournal) last week that S was pretty much the reason I was getting through this year, and I don't think that's exaggerating.

Later, at MSR, lots of dancing went down. Some with some cute girls, but ended up mostly being with SJ... it seems if I dance with anyone for any length of time I end up making out with them. That sounds different than what I mean it to, though. I had every intention of dancing (and making out) with SJ. What I was referring to really had more to do with Sy, who in retrospect I probably shouldn't have kissed. But I am a sucker for a good kiss (no pun or innuendo intended.) On the other hand, I'm going to reserve further judgment until our date tonight.

Aha! It just hit me why I'm so overwhelmed with all of this: I have never dated before. I've had a boyfriend, but JF and I got together by drunkenly making out for a couple of nights in a row, and then asking where it was going. JB and I (if that counts as an actual relationship. I have been known to describe my past love life as 'one and a bit' boyfriends-- hehe) also made out drunkenly (though the drunken aspect could have been dropped had we not both needed a bit of dutch courage.) All other relationships/relations I've had have not really started by dating. I am, apparently, pretty easy to pick up (maybe a bit difficult to keep, though.)

Anyways. Dancing yesterday was an elevated version of what happened on the back end of Friday night. SJ and I were there together, not with a group, for one. Also, there was a cuff, and some rope. (Oh My God. Light bondage+dancing+in a public space [with my exhibitionism]= so fucking hot. Add some kissing in there... yowza.) Then later, he gave me a flower (the first wildflower in his garden, apparently) in a little glass coke bottle, which was super-cute. Overall, a nice blend of kink lite and sweetness made for a good night.

Oh, and I also went out to dinner with a bunch of people from my course, and I outed myself to JP talking about MSR and meeting Sy today (She asked me if it was someone special, I think she kind of knew already-- she has some good gaydar) which was cool, but a little odd being at the table across from Q and next to P, who had just been talking about people being lesbians for 4 years while in ASC as if it were an actual phenomenon where they got out of the school and then completely reverted to heterosexuality. (I made faces behind his back. So mature.)

J called me yesterday. I've been averaging maybe 4 hours of sleep a night, so I wasn't at my most coherent... plus I always feel such a strong surge of giddiness and intense desire to please when I talk to him (still) that I get all tongue-tied or babble about stupid stuff. I'm getting better at just bluntly acknowledging to myself that I miss the pants off of him. Last week I was getting all depressed thinking about having to live in Atlanta for longer than I had planned, but there are aspects that have their pluses about it: a)more S time, b)no rent, and c)increased probability of seeing J again. I'm even thinking it may be a good strategy for med school to apply to a state school (cheaper, too.) I wouldn't have to live here for the rest of my life. (in fact, I know I wouldn't)

There's always something more to write about, but Biology reading calls.

Also, I have noticed that when I sing along to that ridiculous "I Kissed a Girl" song, I sing "hope my girlfriend don't mind it" (rather than boyfriend.) Interesting. (but then, I also sing, "we named our children after stars that we'd never been to" for Modest Mouse. hehe.)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Then somebody loves you just enough

(Bernard Fanning, from Powderfinger)

Today was a tough day. I woke up from a dream about being molested (very vivid, extremely disturbing.) to groggily drive to school and sit through chem and bio, all while feeling nauseous and guilty about food and anxiety about the test I have to turn in by Thursday morning. Then I got a text from J (a million minutes late, because the Science Center apparently sucks whatever signal there is along with a few souls.) For the past three weeks I've been diddling along, trying to get on with whatever approximation of living I've been doing. Today, I realized to what extent my ways of coping with saying goodbye involve forgetting. Trying to forget the way it felt, so that I can't compare it to the present; trying to forget that I even met him, that we ever interacted... which is horrible, and really sad. It's not that I actually succeed in the attempts to forget, but after all the goodbyes I've said in my life, why am I unable to look back and reminisce without the poignancy, the nostalgia becoming overwhelming? Why can't I just enjoy the re-hashing of scenes and sensations (insofar as much as possible) without wishing to not be in this moment (which is definitely something I want to avoid)?
With this goodbye, in particular, I have run the gamut (so to speak) of reactions: I've been angry, sad, hurt, and even relieved to some extent (the latter mostly being because I was having trouble focusing on studying, when I need as close to a 4.0 I can get to apply to med school-- so far, I'm at a 3.89, or something.) But today, (and the other day), when I heard from him spontaneously, when I was alerted to the fact that I'm still on his mind despite everything that's going down in a new and exciting place, I was struck. Struck by how much I miss him, by the very fact that I'm important, by how much I was holding back, by the strangeness of my mode of coping, and by how it seems so callous. No wonder I'm afraid of being forgotten, when this is the way I deal with things. I braced myself for a big reaction at the beginning, when I thought I had time to deal with it a little more... but now is when it's hitting me, when it's been three weeks or so. So I try to deal with studying for my tests and struggling with myself for control of anything, when in actuality all I really want to do right now is write and cry and sleep and draw and dream, and then maybe go dancing when I wake up.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

This is not [my] year

(more Weepies. There may be a bit of an obsession going on there.)

Actually, this isn't a downer post, despite the title. (That just happens to be the song that's in my head right this second, which is often how my blog gets titled. It's kind of like providing you with my internal soundtrack.)

I don't actually have much of a point to this post, either. (I know, you must be thinking 'does she ever?') I just felt like I wanted to blog, as a release from studying for Physics all day (test tomorrow, whoopie! I'm still going to run before class, though. If I don't know it by now and all that jazz)

Yesterday I was meant to stay home and study while my parents went to someone's house for dinner. Instead, I went out with S, because I knew that if I stayed home I'd just end up eating and eating and eating as I had been all day and getting increasingly angry/frustrated at myself. So I went to immerse myself in some Atlanta queer culture and play with my newly-discovered (possibly dangerous) toy. By which I mean my attractiveness. Seriously, I knew I was pretty, but there are some very strong reactions that I am not used to at all. In MSR some woman was making her way across the dance floor and stopped right in front of me and said "oh, wow." 'Oh, wow?', I was thinking, since when did I garner a reaction like that? I remember going to straight clubs and thinking that I wasn't turning any heads at all (maybe I've written all this before. Sometimes I lose track. Bear with me if I have.) Excuse me, I'm just a bit amazed. I always thought I was ugly growing up, or just too chubby/fat for any prepubescent boys or girls to openly fancy me, at any rate. All this is a learning experience, and I think this might help me get over how shy I am with people I fancy.

Anyway. There was one girl I danced with that I wanted to get the number of, but didn't (she might have tried to find me later like she said, but I was outside for a bit... who knows?) and then another that I danced with who I did get the number of and also some kisses. Let me just say, I really love kisses. Maybe it's my oral fixation, but it's just... a good kiss really makes or breaks a lot. (and sometimes it's not worth the training. On the other hand, sometimes it really is.) There were a couple interesting moments from the night that I wanted to note(ok, more than a couple, but these are my choices):
One was when I smiled at someone going past me in the crowd at the burlesque show. As she went behind me, she ran her hand down my spine. Oh, so sexy.
Another was more just an observation of insecurity/staking of territory-- when I was dancing with SJ for the song he requested, Sy (no last name to make reference by initials, so this will have the suffice for the moment.) hovered around (not dancing), and then as the song seemed to end, swooped in to grab me from SJ. Kind of cute, kind of sad, and kind of creepy all at once. Made me feel a little like a commodity, which I most certainly did not like. I'm not sure the attention I got paid quite made up for that, either. I guess I should talk to Sy about not wanting to date seriously at the moment.
The last thing I wanted to note was when I was dancing with SJ he put his hand on my hips and pulled my belt loop toward him so I would be dancing on him, which I liked rather a lot. Maybe I was just majorly turned on by that point, but the fact remains that I found it rather sexy.
Oh, and one last thing-- of the people that approached me/ danced with me, they were smart. B, the girl I didn't get the number of, is studying for the MCAT too (to take it in July), and Sy is a math teacher. How refreshing, after meeting thick people on the pull at other times. (Now that I really think about it, though, how many times have I honestly been on the pull? Not all that many times. I have spent some time with people with not all that much up top, I must say-- predominantly, TG comes to mind.)

Of all of this, I want to try to remember that I am in control. I'm not going to string anyone along, and I'm not in a place to play games.

(Shit. And I should go over these equations one last time before beddy-byes.)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

You're not a baby if you feel the world

(The Blow)

Yesterday I was utterly unproductive, and was getting increasingly angry at myself for it (as well as pissed off and upset about pretty much anything that presented itself to me) so I went for a run. It was good, as per usual, and I felt an odd ability to disconnect myself from my music and think, which sometimes I have a lot of difficulty doing (if the music doesn't fit with my mood, especially.) At one point, I felt such a huge surge of emotion that I started crying, whilst running. Then, a few minutes (or was it seconds?) passed and I was laughing at some thing or another. That's one amazing thing about weaning off of my meds-- I feel such a large range of emotion, it's like waking up after years of being asleep. I have also wondered in the past whether my ability to come has been affected by weaning off of meds. I know it's definitely different than when I was on the birth control that killed my libido, and I know I felt more when I went off the second med that psychiatrist had me on (oh man. At the time I stayed with him because he was helping some aspects, but he blatantly ignored that I might have an eating disorder just because I seemed to be a healthy weight. What a fuckwad. Story of my relationships that I stayed with him, I suppose.) [On a related note, I'm going to try skipping nights with my meds, since I can't break the 1/4 any more.]

Anyways, after said run, I found a missed call and a text, the latter inviting me to a queer party, which I heartily accepted the invitation. I figured, if I was going to be unproductive, I may as well have fun doing it. So I went, and had a somewhat bizarre time. S had mentioned a long time ago about how she thought the queer scene here would love me, but I never really took it seriously. Yesterday, though, I got so much attention. I'm an attention-whore, and I know it, but I really didn't know what to do with it. That's a whole lot more potential power than I'm used to wielding (at least, in a group setting) and I felt very and extremely naive. I got my shoelaces tied together, I got my hair played with (and tugged), I got snuggles, I got comments that I was cute from people that apparently only usually notice bois, offers of cooking... for someone who is somewhat shy in new situations, I was a little overwhelmed, to put it simply. But I had a wonderful time. It makes me think of when I was much younger and MS was speculating about how I need to be careful when I discover how pretty I am, because I could do some dangerous things to myself if I didn't know how to wield it. And I don't know how to wield it, because-- as silly as it sounds and as often as people tell me-- I sometimes have a hard time discovering it. (It should be noted that at other times I do know it, and strut around like a right old prick.) It was a very interesting experience. I'd like to learn how to react a little better, I think I was just a little amazed and taken aback at the time.

Today was not a huge amount more productive, but I did get my chem lab done (at 6:10. I had been "working" on it since 12.) In between "working" I was thinking about the economy and brainstorming little ways that I could help, at least my family:
*go through my stuff, pick things that I need and get rid of the rest (either selling, charity, or re-using in a different way)
*volunteer (at Grady-- which I have an interview for tomorrow. eek!-- and/or at foodbanks)
*wearing more layers and turning the heat down (so glad spring is coming)
*not buying more music
(the next two are kind of embarrassing and ED related, but:)
*fit into my clothes so that I don't have to buy more
*eat only what is necessary so that we don't have to buy as much
*be healthy so that we don't have to pay medical/dental/whatever bills
*turning off my computer so that I don't use as much electricity
and
*not being afraid to cook, so that we can use some of the resources of our cupboards (we always joked that they were stocked for an apocalypse)

also, I was reading a Psychology Today article that said that there were three practices that would help deal with the stress of economic crisis: deep breathing, light exercise, and listening to music. Sounds like a good idea to me :)

Friday, March 13, 2009

Taken out of context I must seem so strange

(Ani DiFranco)

Yesterday I went to an event about "Transformative Justice" which was interesting, though I wanted more: it was too much of a teaser for me to feel fully satisfied. What really sparked me was the way they begun: they asked everyone to share their name (which they subsequently remembered, I loved that) and one way in which they have observed the economic crisis cause an increase in violence in their community. As we went around, I got more ideas-- but as usual didn't think they were worth sharing. Why do I pass such harsh judgment on myself?-- but some people had some awesome ways of interpreting 'violence' that really made me thing. For example, violence to the self: not just self harm (which we all know can stem from the desperation that an economic crisis can entail) but also the choice to stay in/take a job that is not a passion/love, or the choice to go back to/stay in an abusive relationship because (more than ever) it seems like there is no where else to go. I wish I'd had my notebook near me, I could have retained more. Later, over sweet potato fries with Tasmanian pepperberry sauce (yum), S mentioned how my choice to not be vegan against my express will was a form of violence to myself caused in part by the economic crisis, which really hit home. Overall, I enjoyed the event a lot, though I could have done more with a couple hours more (at least) of dialogue and presentation. (Also, one of the presenters was pretty hot-- which was amplified by her clear passion for the subject and intelligence) The only thing that I didn't like was how it reminded me of how removed I am from theoretical analysis these days. It reminded me of the urgency of regaining/retaining my vocabulary and literary ability. [speaking of which: a word I had forgotten the meaning of, but love: maudlin (self-pityingly or tearfully sentimental--COED)] I can't pretend that it won't help me in life, and I need it for my sanity. Now all I need is methods that can be implicated in between science classes and volunteering and studying for MCATs,etc., etc. (Oh, I do love to complain. Life is not bad. In fact, it's pretty good right now-- but that may be mostly because I have lots of reflection time with Spring Break.)

On the topic of reflection, I've been kind of dodging/being dodged by J in terms of communication. Which, considering the email exchange on Monday, I'm not taking personally. As for my side of it, this is quite a common technique for me-- this way it's easier for me to pretend that nothing happened (having a crap memory helps.) Which isn't to say that I haven't been thinking about it. I was at my pseudo-family's house again earlier today, taking care of their dog, and though I have so many memories of that house (Christmases, random days, childhood... those don't just fade) they've been tainted by the faint scent of a recollection, of moans on the couch, of waking up together early in the extra bedroom... But I'm not going there. It doesn't do me any good to dwell on the past, as I should well know by now. I'm trying to live in the moment (well, insofar as that is possible in a culture that constantly demands forethought and planning, and as a pre-med student, to boot.)
Something I wrote yesterday on the subject: "Something about the evening makes me full of nostalgia and regrets-- which may be why it's usually my over-eating time as well. But I am focusing on the here and now: I am waking up, my body is waking up, my mouth feels thirst, my eyes are still crusted (allergies, ahoy!). I'm laying on the couch with a band of sunlight striping across my body, with thoughts of the past flashing in my mind. I'm not fighting them, just observing them, as Osho says to do. Lots of J looking down or away, nothing where we're interacting (probably significant.) My stomach is twisting slightly, I can feel the fan's air waves play with my skin's hair. I am thinking I am going for a run. And not in the graveyard, either."
(apologies for the stream-of-consciousness faults.)
Anyways, I think that sums it up nicely-- life goes on, with flitting images of memories. I read somewhere once that every time you recall a memory your brain alters it in some way, so it's never true to the actual experience anymore. So it's all just a fantasy now. Somehow, to my storyteller self, instead of that being a depressing thought, I find that quite comforting.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

When you're dancing through your wardrobe to the anorexic gogo

(That one's Green Day)

I happened upon some blogs discussing (or dissing, rather) various famous people's outfits (On H's computer, irreversibly nosy and wondered what gofugyourself was-- it should be noted that I did resist being nosy when it came to looking at their camera's past pictures. I got to one topless photo [not of H] and promptly turned it off. Though I admit that had it been of H I might not have put the camera down quite as quickly. Yes, I am a perv.) I am appalled, absolutely taken aback, that anyone can see those emaciated dears as attractive. They look stringy and uncomfortable and overall, miserable. Lord knows I have my moments when I wish I could get rid of lots of the fat on my body, but I have never wanted to not have anything. Not have hips? Not have a butt? No, thank you. I'd much rather have some jiggly than look like a skeleton before my time. F that.

This, in conjunction with me just generally feeling healthy (mentally and physically), is contributing to me feeling a helluvalot more positive about my body. Thanks, crazily-emaciated famous people! I wish I could share some of this with you.

I don't know if you can dance

(Lisa Hannigan, "I don't know" She used to go out with and sing with Damien Rice. It's cutesy stuff.)

The last two days have been very good. The days before that (from Saturday) were pretty good, too, except for the nightly emergence of my funk. It feels so amazing to be able to live by myself, to choose when and what I eat, to set my own schedule. I guess I got scared of that considering last year, but that really wasn't conscious solitude, it was induced by T going off and disappearing up N's bum. I love them both, but that hurt me a lot. It made me feel like I was not worth spending time with, and I expressed this to T, and she just wrote it off as something that she does when she's in a relationship, saying that people can't change. I really hate when people say that, because I believe that they can, if there's a need and/or a strong enough desire. There are plenty of examples of people changing for the worse, why not for the better? Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. The kind of solitude that I've been experiencing in the last few days is really refreshing, like what JBa (haha another J) was attempting to cultivate last year. The kind of solitude that doesn't necessarily mean isolation, just plenty of alone-time and being social when I feel like it and not when it's mandatory. The food thing probably has a large impact on all this serenity, and vice versa. I've been eating mostly when I'm hungry, and stopping when I've had enough, and it feels good. I also am eating strange-ass things that I would never dream of serving to my parents without first testing it out, and being vegan. It feels so healthy, but in the good, satisfying sense, not in the "rabbit food"/granola sense. For example, last night for dinner I had an edamame, arame, sundried tomato, and dried mushroom salad, and roasted butternut squash with rosemary and nutritional yeast. Omnomnomnom.

I went for a run yesterday in the graveyard where J and I walked and talked a long time ago... (I just checked, it'll be 2 months ago tomorrow) I always think that I'm going to hash things out when I'm running out, but usually my deep-thinking thoughts are fleeting, like little wisps of dreams that float up between the rhythm afforded by my pounding feet. I end up being more than thinking when I'm running, which is why I like it-- it's my meditation. I never was good at sitting still, anyway. At any rate, there were certainly some fond flashbacks interspersed between the paces. Fond, and sad, both of which I expected. And there was also something else, maybe a sadness that my memory is so fickle and that though it's only been a little over a week since he left I feel as if it were all a dream, as if it never really happened except in my head. (That's why I journal as much as I can-- otherwise I'd have very little recollection of anything that goes on.)

Also contributing to my improved mood is the fact that I shared my J-involved reasons for funk-ness with S, and she was wonderful about it and suggested I tell him, which I did, which of course made things better. I should know by now that communication usually clears things like this up, but I guess I usually wait until it escalates and I've done a lot more to hurt myself at that point. At any rate, it's out there now.

Yay, more planning to see people in May. It's coming up sooner than I think, which is both good and crazy scary, since that means I need to a)crack down on studying and b)sort out applications(and even institutions. Oh bugger.) *deep breath* I will not freak out.

Monday, March 9, 2009

up on the rooftops

(listening to punk rock...that was all we had--I'm ashamed, but it's Mest.)

Last night, I got in a funk, and went driving with the windows down and music blaring. Then I got a text from MK, who I haven't heard from in ages and was kind of my go-to vent-at buddy for much of my winter break. He asked me how my weekend was, so I told him bluntly: it was great and really relaxing except for that exact moment. So I drove around a lot more, texting him back and forth, and then-- at 11:30pm-- decide that I'm going to go for a walk and he'd be the best candidate for being up for going with me, despite the need to get up at 6 the next morning. So we meet, and walk, and I vent... my shoes hurt my feet, so I take them off, and we walk until 1am. Nothing is resolved (not that I expected anything to be, considering the layers going on, plus him not being involved in the slightest-- usually hashing things out does help me figure out what's wrong, at least, though.)

Then today, I've had a really relaxing and pretty great day, and yet I wind up in a crappy mood again.

I can't seem to approach this in a prose form, so I'm just going to go the easy way out and make a list:
*still worrying about calories and stuff in a way that I would not like to, i.e. in terms of losing weight rather than being healthy and happy
*feeling guilty for wanting to escape my parent's house, while aware that this sentiment is unfounded
*worrying about my knees giving out on me (and all the implications on my running/well being thereof.---I am aware that I seemingly equated my well being with running, but that's not entirely true. Running helps, though.)
*feeling paranoid about my personal interactions (or lack thereof) with most of the people I consider important in my life at this particular moment. I'm thinking this may be a function of me feeling off-balance, since I can usually feel more confident about my interactions when I have a stronger sense of who I am and how I want to perceive myself.

None of these things are new. None of them are things that I have not dealt with before, in some capacity. But given that I am more aware of my previous faulty coping mechanisms, I feel somewhat as if I am grasping at wisps of clouds at the top of a mountain.

*********************
Speaking of mountains, I went to Dahlonega today and hiked. I loved it, I felt wonderful (except a few knee twinges), and it was refreshing. Exactly what I needed before trying to crack on with my work this week. As it gets warmer my idea of camping out on the weekends with my books becomes more and more appealing. I don't know where my tent is, though, which might be a slight deterrent to that plan-- not to mention that it's going to get cold again next week. Bloody Georgia can't make up its mind about what season it's going to be

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Falling down to get back up

I started counting calories again today. Initially, I was going to do it to lose weight again, and I'll admit that's still part of it, but not in the same old keep-myself-under-1200-and-kill-myself-running bullcrap. I don't want to feed into my eating disorder, but I also need to get some balance, and if counting calories helps, I'll do it. I'm approaching it as taking care of myself, though. More of the tone of writing stuff down so that I am holding myself accountable and am aware of what I am eating, so that I am present in that moment and enjoying what it is I'm putting in my mouth. So far today has been very successful, and I'm hopeful for the rest of the week. The plan is to continue like this until I feel stable, and then by then I will have the body trust to not need to count or write anything.

(I drew the picture above today as part of my self-care)


Yesterday I realized another strong fear of mine (as well as rejection): being forgotten. I guess that's why I'm always so honored when friends of mine from Copenhagen or Italy or England are so enthusiastic about the idea of visiting with me, even if we haven't communicated in yonks. And why I used to write--and ideally would still like to be writing (same old theme as all the classic poets, I know.) It's like Shelley (Percy Bysshe)'s Ozymandias, forgotten though he was apparently so powerful:

Ozymandias

I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed.

And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

I don't have an empire or statues or even anything dedicated to me (as far as I know), and I don't need to be publicly remembered. I like attention, but that's far beyond what I want. What I would like is to have a lasting impression on all the people that I have a connection with. I don't need to inspire or change, but just leave a little indentation, a little mental or emotional 'Emma was here'. It's a selfish impulse, but I hardly think it's uncommon. It's like with T in Morton-- I took up the challenge because I wanted to see my effect (that's twisted.)-- and even with A, though in a far broader sense. Or maybe I just want feedback, want to know how I'm read so I can adjust it if it's in disparity with how I want to be? I know sometimes my meaning is interpreted differently than I intend, but is that because the other people are seeing what they want to, or because there's something off with my transmitter? (I just got an image of Batty from Fern Gully, with his little radio wires popping out of his head. I do feel like that sometimes-- though usually in the context of spouting random things because my conversational skills could use some help :P )
"
Yo, the name is Batty / The logic is erratic / Potato in a jacket / Toys in the attic / I rock and I ramble / My brain is scrambled / Rap like an animal, but I'm a mammal."
(yep, Batty from Fern Gully, doing his rap.)

I just realized that I quote Batty almost every time I put on my glasses or contacts around somebody: "I can see! It's a miracle!" (I am aware that this may come from something else originally, but knowing how often I watched Fern Gully when I was ickle, I'm fairly certain I picked it up from here.) xD

Friday, March 6, 2009

All this beauty (might have to close your eyes)*

(*more Weepies quotage. Yes yes.)





I wanted to share some pictures that I have saved on my computer from my many hours of random searching (interspersed)

I wrote Ju a rather incomprehensible email yesterday, basically saying that I can't see him like that anymore because I can't be myself around him. I do enjoy his company, but there's just something about him that smacks of JF, and I do not want to get myself into that kind of relationship again. He took it well, though he thinks it's the age difference. I figure, just let him think what he does, if the whole truth comes out later, then it does. I'd prefer to let it emerge organically than try to gouge it out.

Bit of a freak-out today. My knees ache, which makes me anxious about not being able to run (I keep joking that pretty soon I'll be made out of Ace bandages.) Then, instead of
eating my packed lunch and going home to help mom make gnocchi, I went out to lunch with a couple of my cohorts. That part was fine, and the food doesn't make me feel guilty, but I had two big glasses of margarita, and the calories for that shit adds up fast. That's (to be entirely honest) why I stopped drinking in the first place. Plus I'm already over for this week, because I had some (very much conscious) binges earlier in the week, where my eating was almost aggressive, not healthy (in tone) at all. I feel like I've been steadily putting on weight for a while now, and I need to stop that, for the sake of my sanity. So I'm going to go back to counting calories again, until I can gain some sense of control and balance. I'm going to focus on the usual mindful eating stuff, and I'm going to do it in my own company (H is letting me stay at hers while I take care of her cat, so I can be on my own footing and not have to worry about what my mom cooks/the contents of our pantry.) Spring break means I have time to read Osho and do yoga and come back to having some semblance of inner peace. I feel some arting and writing coming on, too. Just what I need before bunging myself into the second half of the term.















Sharing these helps me feel grounded, too. I'm being reminded of things that I love and thus who I really am, rather than who I am when I'm stressed out and all over the place.
Happy times.



Thursday, March 5, 2009

Sleeping Rough

(That's the title of a Berhard Fanning song. Yes, it is my first impulse to use song titles and/or lyrics... for much of my communication, not just blog headings.)

Speaking of communication through music, I made J a mixtape. It's just my thing, I guess. I've always communicated through music-- when I say that the first thing that crops up is listening to Cartel on my bed with JB while the sun was rising again, just sitting there and feeling lost and found simultaneously. Every time I hear "If I fail" I think of that night/those days where it finally came together and what it means that it happened. Whether I was wrong to what I did, whether I regret it (which I was, but only because I didn't break up with JF before; and which I don't. Not a whit. [Hi, JB! *blush*])
The next scene that presents itself is sitting in the car with A, on our way to work, with Ben Lee or Bright Eyes or the Shins or the Knife playing-- all of those songs that we communicated in on those awkward and wonderful rides. A's the only other person that I've ever met that communicates in music quite like I do, and we had uncanny coincidences in our music tastes (Powderfinger, the Knife [beyond just Heartbeats]) I wasn't sure of it at the time, but I think that was a pretty awesome mixtape that I made. (Lord knows I've listened to it enough.)
The mix I made for J is not my best, I'm ashamed to admit-- there's much that I forgot to put on there, and the song order's a little iffy. I blame that on my procrastination, though I'd been compiling potential songs for a long time. It's not bad, though. The cover art was fun, too (physics calculations as a base, a leaf sewed on, my usual melted crayons, magnetic poetry, etc.)
With A and J, I know that on some level the making of a mixtape was to allow some sort of feeling of closure-- not necessarily an ending, but something that I'd done to let them know that I'd thought of them. I don't know why I never did that for JB (though I'm working on one now). Maybe it has something to do with not feeling like I really could without being found out (it's not like JF didn't use my computer almost every time he came over) and not feeling like I had a whole lot of music that he didn't already know. That's less of a challenge now, since I've been away so long, but there's still the impulse to put songs I associate with our times together (EMO.) So when I go in May, it should be finished.

*sigh* I guess I'll get to the actual (recent) personal blogging I wanted to do now.

Sunday was a strange day-- woke up to huge snowflakes wafting down (on the 1st of March. In Georgia. I know.) I went to Waffle House for the first time (not all that impressed, but I also wasn't in the mood for anything sweet, and I'm spoiled in terms of my cheese tastes. Not to mention dairy still doesn't sit wonderfully with my stomach. It was more about the company, though.) Then, at night, my first time going to a lesbian bar... being mesmerized by burlesque, laughing hard, being awkward (in a way I do oh so well), dancing, getting a free spanking doled out by a roller derby girl (with the anorexic cousin of a cricket bat) [first for this, too, and I enjoyed it more than I thought I would-- that is to say, rather a lot.] Then to S's futon to help J pack and fall asleep with him and SS. Odd is the best way to sum it all up. Weird and wild and wonderful... and also fringed with poignancy, with a sense of sad inevitability that something important was going to change.

I woke up on Monday morning without an alarm. I did some sad-eyed staring and, as the time to go to class crept up on me fast, I dressed myself and tossed the mixtape onto the bed. I had wanted to give it to him in a better way, but that's all I could bear to do: plop it down and turn my head away as I started to cry. I wanted to run away and cling to him simultaneously. I hate goodbyes. I felt (and feel) bad for feeling sad, since there are happy aspects of him leaving (at least, for him), so it feels selfish to just be sad. I am excited for him, too... but at that time, sadness was primary in my consideration. I didn't say the word 'goodbye', I couldn't do it. Especially because I'd like to pretend/hope there's a chance we'll get to see each other sometime. But in reality, I should have said it, because it will never be quite what it was. Nothing ever is-- I'm not saying that to be melodramatic, it's just true. Time and experiences change a person so much, even from moment to moment. Maybe next time it will be even better, who knows? There's no way to determine that. But we were saying goodbye to something that was then, who we were at that time. Perhaps someday we'll say hello to what we are in the future. Considering my past with saying 'see you later' to people that I'm attached to (A and JB, for example), I'm not hedging my bets (it's been 1 year and 8 months since I've seen JB, 8 months since I've seen A.)
The past few days have been a little numb. I've been distracting myself with studying for my bio test for the most part. I don't quite know what my full reaction is yet, since I've been bottling it (unhealthy, I know, but since when have I been the poster child for good health?) Spring break is next week. I'll have extra time to think about it, which is both good and bad. I have no plans except to take care of H's cat, catch up on schoolwork, and possibly go to Dahloniga for a meditation/yoga thing with JP and M.

Speaking of yoga and mediation, I really need to write Ju and explain some things. I really don't want to, though.

And while I'm on the topic of men I don't want to speak to, JF is pissing me off royally. I can't believe that I spent almost 3 years of my life with someone that is so narrow-minded, so didactic in tone, so unable to listen to me, so condescending. He expects us to get back together when I visit, despite my many explanations to him that I was not happy in our relationship in the end. He seems to still think that it all ended because I moved away, ignores the whole JB thing as if it was just a glitch, as if I had said it was a mistake (which I never did. I said I was sorry for hurting him, but not for what I did.) I'm about tired of his self-centered bullcrap, especially his expectation that he should be "the most important person in England" for me. He even got pouty that I was staying with AB. Those are the very traits that I despair of in my brother's wife. I'm not going to just sit back anymore. He always talks to me as if the way I am now is somehow beneath him, like I've become some degenerate. *deep breaths* Ok, I'm done.

I'm going to go read Watchmen.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I wouldn't mind me some exorcism

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/adventure/0603/features/peru.html

I would like nothing more than to be able to purge myself of my demons, my self-hatred, my hang-ups, whatever this is that is holding me back from fully realizing myself. I wouldn't mind taking some dimethyltriptamine and vomiting all over the place-- it would only be a couple of times, rather than the years of other chemicals with almost as questionable side-effects afforded by conventional anti-depressants. Things that pop up in my head as soon as I start thinking about it: a)too much money: it's not like I can afford that and to pay for MCAT prep and med schools and plane tickets, etc.; b)(this one's embarrassing)maybe I'd lose weight; c)When do I have the time?; d)If I went, would I still want to go to med school? Would it matter, if I'd reached that point? Could I learn anything about it if I pursued integrative medicine? What if, along with the guy at UCLA who's doing research about Ayahuasca, I could help introduce this type of thing to people who could really use it, people who can't journey to Peru and spend X amount of money on trying to find themselves as I am potentially allowed because of the relative affluence I was born into? That, for me, is the biggest thing. If I could find myself and stay myself (for I do think that I have glimpses of myself in everyday life, but sometimes lose myself in my obsessions of eating and school and attentions) I would be able to help others find themselves, and that would be amazing. That is what I want to do, why I'm interested in psychiatry in the first place. I've always been interested in integrating different types of therapy into Western cognitive therapy anyway, why not investigate and see what I think this has to offer? It's worth contemplation, at least.

[I have more personal stuff to post, but later. It's 3:30am and I woke up with other stuff on my mind, but I want to process it more before I blog it.]