Mother Nature's sewing machine

[hearts will hold ](Jason Mraz)

Yesterday I received another shocking tsunami wave of emotion, turning the corner into S's driveway to see a car that I thought was J's. I think I'm doing just dandy, and I am, but then these break me down for a little bit and I have to take some time to rebuild my oceanfront walls with some new mortar. I have to admit that last night I cuddled a certain stuffed animal in a manner I haven't cuddled one in years-- I didn't even let go in my sleep like I usually would. Then I woke up, agitated, and wrote a poem for the first time since November 30th (I can't believe it's been that long, that's tragic.) I haven't re-read it again, so I don't know if it's any good or not; I presume it's the usual caliber of the poetry I write when it's been a while (i.e. poor; it takes me a while to get back into the swing of it.) Needless to say, I'm experiencing a bit of tumultuous sensation this morning.


On a completely different note, Friday was a trip. I went dancing with SJ again. One thing I love about doing that is that as of yet I have not changed my clothes from what I was wearing all day (aside from removing layers), there's been no aspect of cultivation of a certain impression. In the past, my dressing up/manipulation of impression management (to be all social anthropology on it) has kind of annoyed me, as it usually does when I feel like I'm changing myself to please others (not that me dressing up is expressly changing anything about myself, since I do that anyway, but if I decide against something I love just to upkeep some impact I believe I'm having with one style, it's not true.) What I mean to say is that I've been dressing myself, from one spectrum to the other, and being accepted (will revisit this.) Anyway, Friday night. As with most of my interactions, there was a teensy bit of awkward to begin with, which-- as the dancing commenced-- soon dissipated. There was a little bit of rope, but only for a minute, and a chain for a quick second too, but nothing like the other night (the prospect itself was pretty exciting, though.) It was still amazingly hot though, especially when I finally figured out that he was packing (oh man. There were a couple of times where we might as well have been fucking in the middle of the dance floor. It felt obscene [and so, obviously, I enjoyed it even more. hehe]) A few times, in between or during dances, the way he said 'fuuuck' or shook himself as if my hotness was too much to take made me play certain things up even more (yes, I am a tease.) Later, as we were saying goodbye, we were both so worked up-- he had me growling-- I was about ready to fuck anywhere, but it was not going to happen. We did make a tentative plan to meet next week, though, when he'll be house-sitting for someone...

Saw S last night, wonderful hugs ensued. As I came home yesterday I realized that I expect people to get tired of me, or that I will always be more enthusiastic about them than them about me. I suppose it's social paranoia that's a hangover from middle school/high school drama, but it seems odd that it's such a strong feeling, though I have plenty of evidence to support the idea that I am a lovable person and an enjoyable one to have around. I keep feeling like any day now they're going to find the "real me"/some reason to not like me, latch on that, and it will all fall into the same familiar pattern of dodging. I recognize that this is a somewhat unfounded fear, but it's interesting to observe.

Also, (unrelated) I have noticed that my appreciation of electronic music increases with proportion to my age. My hypothesis is that happens in many people, but the basis has to be from quite a dislike of electronic-based music (or maybe just what techno I encountered in Italy at ages 6-10) for any comparison to be made.

Another thing of note that occurred yesterday: As I was walking with G&AD and S&C (grouped according to who was holding hands) I acknowledged that sometime in the past I would have been made to feel lonely in that situation. Instead, I felt fine, felt like I didn't desperately need to have anyone to hold hands with right now.
(Later, we all held hands, that was pretty cute.)

Every twelve seconds, someone remembers

(Ben Lee- All in this together)
Week whooshed by. It's been crazy busy (Physics test on Monday, Chemistry test on Wednesday night from 9pm-11 [that was my fault, it was a take-home.]) and fun. Went dancing twice at MSR... I forgot just how much I love to dance, plus getting attention is always gratifying. (Ha, typical Leo.) I've had some flirty correspondence too, with cisguys from the Martin (the ones that I didn't have any relations with; none from Tor) one of whom said something about how when he first met me he thought I was an amazing, elven, pixie with great style, and that since I've known him only positive things have been added to that list. The other one and I were discussing the possibilities of me dressing up as either Leeloo Dallas (5th Element) or Emma Frost (X men comics/ TV show), both of whom wear rather little. Dancing involved some make-out time, too (more about that below.) I also have a potential date with SS, to watch Coupling= amazing. Oh, and I have a date with Sy tonight (eh. more about this below, too.) Attention is coming from everywhere, and I plan on just basking in it a while, rather than being overwhelmed and maybe a little scared as I was before.

Speaking of Leos and getting attention, here is what msn said my horoscope for today was: Your love life is a kaleidoscope of shapes and colors today, dear Leo, full of complicated patterns and ever-changing displays of beauty. Everywhere you turn, a new perspective is revealed, and you learn something new about yourself and the people you are involved with. Remain open to the idea of partnership on multiple levels in which you experience different levels of commitment with different people. Every color is needed to make a complete rainbow.
Just thought that was very interesting. I know, we twist it all to fit our lives, but I especially loved that the rainbow came into it, because it encapsulates the different levels and gay pride in one fell swoop.

Went to dinner with S on Friday before we went to MSR, and it totally recharged me. So infinitely grateful for her short stint of the pre-med course: thank you, Universe. I told LJ (not LiveJournal) last week that S was pretty much the reason I was getting through this year, and I don't think that's exaggerating.

Later, at MSR, lots of dancing went down. Some with some cute girls, but ended up mostly being with SJ... it seems if I dance with anyone for any length of time I end up making out with them. That sounds different than what I mean it to, though. I had every intention of dancing (and making out) with SJ. What I was referring to really had more to do with Sy, who in retrospect I probably shouldn't have kissed. But I am a sucker for a good kiss (no pun or innuendo intended.) On the other hand, I'm going to reserve further judgment until our date tonight.

Aha! It just hit me why I'm so overwhelmed with all of this: I have never dated before. I've had a boyfriend, but JF and I got together by drunkenly making out for a couple of nights in a row, and then asking where it was going. JB and I (if that counts as an actual relationship. I have been known to describe my past love life as 'one and a bit' boyfriends-- hehe) also made out drunkenly (though the drunken aspect could have been dropped had we not both needed a bit of dutch courage.) All other relationships/relations I've had have not really started by dating. I am, apparently, pretty easy to pick up (maybe a bit difficult to keep, though.)

Anyways. Dancing yesterday was an elevated version of what happened on the back end of Friday night. SJ and I were there together, not with a group, for one. Also, there was a cuff, and some rope. (Oh My God. Light bondage+dancing+in a public space [with my exhibitionism]= so fucking hot. Add some kissing in there... yowza.) Then later, he gave me a flower (the first wildflower in his garden, apparently) in a little glass coke bottle, which was super-cute. Overall, a nice blend of kink lite and sweetness made for a good night.

Oh, and I also went out to dinner with a bunch of people from my course, and I outed myself to JP talking about MSR and meeting Sy today (She asked me if it was someone special, I think she kind of knew already-- she has some good gaydar) which was cool, but a little odd being at the table across from Q and next to P, who had just been talking about people being lesbians for 4 years while in ASC as if it were an actual phenomenon where they got out of the school and then completely reverted to heterosexuality. (I made faces behind his back. So mature.)

J called me yesterday. I've been averaging maybe 4 hours of sleep a night, so I wasn't at my most coherent... plus I always feel such a strong surge of giddiness and intense desire to please when I talk to him (still) that I get all tongue-tied or babble about stupid stuff. I'm getting better at just bluntly acknowledging to myself that I miss the pants off of him. Last week I was getting all depressed thinking about having to live in Atlanta for longer than I had planned, but there are aspects that have their pluses about it: a)more S time, b)no rent, and c)increased probability of seeing J again. I'm even thinking it may be a good strategy for med school to apply to a state school (cheaper, too.) I wouldn't have to live here for the rest of my life. (in fact, I know I wouldn't)

There's always something more to write about, but Biology reading calls.

Also, I have noticed that when I sing along to that ridiculous "I Kissed a Girl" song, I sing "hope my girlfriend don't mind it" (rather than boyfriend.) Interesting. (but then, I also sing, "we named our children after stars that we'd never been to" for Modest Mouse. hehe.)