Hey, man, now you're really living

[the Eels]
Feel like rubbish today. It occurred to me that I have not taken my meds in 6 days, without thinking about it-- it also occurred to me that my fucked up mood swings might have something to do with it, so I'm going to take some tonight and try to make an appointment with a doctor to get my prescription refilled, because I really can't afford to do something to the detriment of myself just because I'm bull-headed. I have enough unhealthy shit going down right now.

Right this moment I feel pretty bad about the SJ thing. I feel like I'm exploiting the attention he gives me, and falling into the same shit I played with CD last year. I feel like I'm holding a horrible double standard, and treating him with the same kind of crap that I am always paranoid people are treating me with when I like them more than they like me. That's not fair, and it's not making me like myself any more. Plus, I really should hunker down and focus more on school for these last few weeks, and then I'm in England, and then this summer's going to pretty much be hell.
Speaking of CD, he wrote me a myspace message today, talking about how he's so sad and misses me but he knows that my feelings for him are no longer there (eek. can't bear to tell him they never really were. CD's one of the bigger mistakes I've made in my large repertoire of fuck-ups) and he can resign himself to his fate and move on, but I have to tell him that. I seem to get myself in this situation quite a bit, where this person that I led on for a little bit because I'm a bitch or attention whore or even because I thought I liked them goes gaga and I feel like the worst person in the world but I cannot conjure up emotion that is not there. I can't stand lying, either... I can do it (not sure how convincingly), but I hate it because it makes me hate myself, and I have enough of that without lying. I also hate to hurt people, though, and that seems like it's just going to happen. Doesn't make it easier, though. Fuck.

I was given a meal plan to help me get back on track. Instead, I have been blatantly ignoring it/deviating from it. I am now afraid to write down the things I have been eating and the way I have been feeling in my food diary as I'm supposed to because I'm afraid of being judged by my therapist. Who I tell a fuck-load, but she couldn't handle everything that goes on in my life (well, what do you know? Neither can I, apparently.) I know she's trained for this shit, but I can hear her tone of voice, I see her little mannerisms shift, I know I've made her uncomfortable before and could easily do it again-- this is why I feel like I could be a good psychiatrist, I can read people pretty well.

Actually, I've been thinking about what I want to do medically, and I feel like I'm leaning more away from psychiatry, more toward family care or something a little more broad... I obviously don't know, though. I still have dreams of marrying cognitive therapy with movement therapy and art therapy. SJ said something about trans folks (or anyone that deviates from the norm, really) being afraid to call an ambulance or go to the doctor when they need to, because of the way that they can be received, which totally fucks me over and makes me so incredibly upset and furious with the myopic world view that so many people have. If I could provide any degree of solace in the medical profession for people who are denied their dignity in the usual health care field, I would be honored. Now how to actually go about it is another matter. I can't exactly put that on my personal statement. :P

Also, on applying to med schools and stuff: I'm reminding myself-- especially when I get freaked out about things-- that this is me attempting to follow my dreams. I've come so far already, and I have agency in deciding how and when it goes down. If I really want it, I can achieve it, and get it done well ("Get 'er done!" hehe.) And in the end, if I don't get in this year? There's always next, and maybe I wasn't meant to rush through it.

I wouldn't mind me some exorcism

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/adventure/0603/features/peru.html

I would like nothing more than to be able to purge myself of my demons, my self-hatred, my hang-ups, whatever this is that is holding me back from fully realizing myself. I wouldn't mind taking some dimethyltriptamine and vomiting all over the place-- it would only be a couple of times, rather than the years of other chemicals with almost as questionable side-effects afforded by conventional anti-depressants. Things that pop up in my head as soon as I start thinking about it: a)too much money: it's not like I can afford that and to pay for MCAT prep and med schools and plane tickets, etc.; b)(this one's embarrassing)maybe I'd lose weight; c)When do I have the time?; d)If I went, would I still want to go to med school? Would it matter, if I'd reached that point? Could I learn anything about it if I pursued integrative medicine? What if, along with the guy at UCLA who's doing research about Ayahuasca, I could help introduce this type of thing to people who could really use it, people who can't journey to Peru and spend X amount of money on trying to find themselves as I am potentially allowed because of the relative affluence I was born into? That, for me, is the biggest thing. If I could find myself and stay myself (for I do think that I have glimpses of myself in everyday life, but sometimes lose myself in my obsessions of eating and school and attentions) I would be able to help others find themselves, and that would be amazing. That is what I want to do, why I'm interested in psychiatry in the first place. I've always been interested in integrating different types of therapy into Western cognitive therapy anyway, why not investigate and see what I think this has to offer? It's worth contemplation, at least.

[I have more personal stuff to post, but later. It's 3:30am and I woke up with other stuff on my mind, but I want to process it more before I blog it.]