Hey, man, now you're really living

[the Eels]
Feel like rubbish today. It occurred to me that I have not taken my meds in 6 days, without thinking about it-- it also occurred to me that my fucked up mood swings might have something to do with it, so I'm going to take some tonight and try to make an appointment with a doctor to get my prescription refilled, because I really can't afford to do something to the detriment of myself just because I'm bull-headed. I have enough unhealthy shit going down right now.

Right this moment I feel pretty bad about the SJ thing. I feel like I'm exploiting the attention he gives me, and falling into the same shit I played with CD last year. I feel like I'm holding a horrible double standard, and treating him with the same kind of crap that I am always paranoid people are treating me with when I like them more than they like me. That's not fair, and it's not making me like myself any more. Plus, I really should hunker down and focus more on school for these last few weeks, and then I'm in England, and then this summer's going to pretty much be hell.
Speaking of CD, he wrote me a myspace message today, talking about how he's so sad and misses me but he knows that my feelings for him are no longer there (eek. can't bear to tell him they never really were. CD's one of the bigger mistakes I've made in my large repertoire of fuck-ups) and he can resign himself to his fate and move on, but I have to tell him that. I seem to get myself in this situation quite a bit, where this person that I led on for a little bit because I'm a bitch or attention whore or even because I thought I liked them goes gaga and I feel like the worst person in the world but I cannot conjure up emotion that is not there. I can't stand lying, either... I can do it (not sure how convincingly), but I hate it because it makes me hate myself, and I have enough of that without lying. I also hate to hurt people, though, and that seems like it's just going to happen. Doesn't make it easier, though. Fuck.

I was given a meal plan to help me get back on track. Instead, I have been blatantly ignoring it/deviating from it. I am now afraid to write down the things I have been eating and the way I have been feeling in my food diary as I'm supposed to because I'm afraid of being judged by my therapist. Who I tell a fuck-load, but she couldn't handle everything that goes on in my life (well, what do you know? Neither can I, apparently.) I know she's trained for this shit, but I can hear her tone of voice, I see her little mannerisms shift, I know I've made her uncomfortable before and could easily do it again-- this is why I feel like I could be a good psychiatrist, I can read people pretty well.

Actually, I've been thinking about what I want to do medically, and I feel like I'm leaning more away from psychiatry, more toward family care or something a little more broad... I obviously don't know, though. I still have dreams of marrying cognitive therapy with movement therapy and art therapy. SJ said something about trans folks (or anyone that deviates from the norm, really) being afraid to call an ambulance or go to the doctor when they need to, because of the way that they can be received, which totally fucks me over and makes me so incredibly upset and furious with the myopic world view that so many people have. If I could provide any degree of solace in the medical profession for people who are denied their dignity in the usual health care field, I would be honored. Now how to actually go about it is another matter. I can't exactly put that on my personal statement. :P

Also, on applying to med schools and stuff: I'm reminding myself-- especially when I get freaked out about things-- that this is me attempting to follow my dreams. I've come so far already, and I have agency in deciding how and when it goes down. If I really want it, I can achieve it, and get it done well ("Get 'er done!" hehe.) And in the end, if I don't get in this year? There's always next, and maybe I wasn't meant to rush through it.

Is it May Day?

Because there are red flags everywhere today.

So. Date with Sy was okay, better than I thought. We went to dinner at R. Thomas, which is kind of a kooky place but I was tired of all the usual places. I had convinced myself that she was more unattractive than she is, so that was a pleasant surprise (hey, I know it's shallow, but I also know how dancing can cause me to make some very bad choices, and I don't just mean looks-wise.) She got me to talk, which can sometimes be a feat. But there were a couple of things that make me even less than enthused about dating her:
1)She only orders the chicken, wherever she goes, and she cooks it at home, too. Even when I ate meat, I thought that chicken was boring. Signs point to lack of adventure= bigs points lost.
2)She said she can't do anything without a schedule, and balks at spontaneous plans. *red flashing lights* I need to be spontaneous, I am somewhat of a "free spirit", that just happens to habitually lock herself in a study-mad schedule.
3)Insecure texting/communication patterns: she texted me earlier today saying that she had a great time and that she hoped to see me again soon... and I, not sharing quite the enthusiasm, put off replying to her. Then, after I return to my piles of clothes, books, and papers that I call my room, I see that I have a text asking if I received the one she sent earlier. A bit too intense for me. (Although, if I were into her more, it probably wouldn't be. As is, I'm a little irritated by it. It's like clinginess before even going out.) This, in combination with her possessive swooping in after my one song of dancing with SJ that night, makes me more than a little wary.
Clearly, I'm not really wanting to date her. But, I also suck at turning people down, and don't really know how-- at least, not face to face. I'm thinking that I don't really have a lot of time to meet up with her anyway, so it's not going to be a huge issue, but I need to be able to just freaking say shit like this, so I'm going to think of how to phrase it. *shrug* I'm not really that bothered about it, though, which is just kind of indicative how tepid I feel on the whole matter.
So far, my experience of dating is a little iffy. But that may be because I'm pretty picky about who I want to spend vast amounts of time with. I'm good for short flings-- in that case, I don't have to be crazy about people-- but there are relatively few people that I actually get mad for. That's when I get scary and obsessive and fall hard. I don't know that I ever 'pick myself up' from those falls, either. I feel like I keep a little piece of my heart reserved for those special people (maybe that I have always ended things on a good note is part of that.) Fortunately for me (and other people, I guess), I have a very large heart. I wonder if I settle down with someone, if that someone will have the last reserved parking space in my heart. I wonder if that's possible :P I love to infinity? (Funny, not too long ago I was grappling with whether I believe in love or not. JB wrote some awesome stuff on that, which I will re-post sometime soon.)
"My heart won't stay entirely in this ribcage" -The Weepies, "Take it From Me" (did you really think I'd go one post without a song reference in some capacity? ha.)