Angels don't eat fairies, though

[from a silly Sunday comic: prefaced by "fairies have insect wings, and angels have bird wings. Birds eat fairies."]

There feels as though there is very little time to blog, and (with that) very little time to process. I suppose I always feel that though-- a kind of suffocating, overwhelming sense of 'there's something important that I need to be doing' that contributes to my constant denigration of myself. But anyways.

Friday, dancing with SJ again-- First of all, left the house in a heavy thunderstorm, with tornado warnings. On the way out of the door, my mother screamed at me that I was a fucking idiot, as lighting flashed. I lived, obviously. Later, was forbidden (by SJ) from wearing my watch. [for me, this is big. I constantly and compulsively check my watch.] In lieu, I was presented with a pair of purple restraints, which were worn out to MSR. Saw the drag show, danced dirty, then proceeded to the 'cottage'. (Was apparently commented about muchly to SJ.) I have mixed feelings about going out with that sort of marked "ownership", albeit for a short time period-- I know I like to be submissive (oh, yes) and that was a hell of a turn-on, but the loss of some degree of independence, while contributing to the overall submission factor, also irritates me somewhat. I guess I just want to be able to flirt with anyone and everyone that appeals to me(or, as my pattern goes, flirts with me.) [I'm sure I'll get more into this later ] So, the 'cottage'-- real restraints and rope, a spreader bar, just extra-light stuff, except a little bit of choking. (First impression: 'what the fuck??' *ensuing panic*; subsequent impressions: 'well, I can still breathe for the most part' and getting too caught up in coming, then starting to like it.) I made SJ come like crazy, which was gratifying but a little disappointing for me at times because it was often when I was close but not there. Luckily, there were many more gos :P Overall: was fun (very), but I feel kind of off about it, maybe because I'm not crazy about him-- which is not to say that I don't like him, because otherwise I wouldn't be doing this, it's just... well, I'm making comparisons, when I probably shouldn't be. But that's a bit off-topic. I'm getting better at asking things properly, but there are times when I'm a bit too lippy to be classified a Good grrrl... but then, a little bit of naughty just makes things more fun. :P
Saturday morning I drove home, tried to get some work done, then met S, C, and SJ at the cottage again. There was cooking, naked hot-tubbing (S, C, and I. Not sexual, fyi), laughter, and a bit of fumbly-ness on the part of SJ (cute.) It was really nice to get to talk to C more, and S and C's interactions are adorable. Soon after dinner (I cooked! Not up to my usual standards, but my excuse is I'm out of practice. Lots of nutritional yeast made up for what it lacked, though :P) and special cookies, S and C departed for the hot tub again, and SJ and I stayed in on the couch. Later, after some hot tubbing of our own, we retired to the bedroom... this time, there was a little more stuff that I haven't experienced before-- briefly, a flogger and paddle; some frontal spanking... I guess I'm a little filthier than I used to be-- I remember not liking some things when JF did them, but that might have also been because he had no idea about topping (either proper practices or otherwise. Another reason JF and I weren't wonderful together: we're both bottoms.) I liked the vulnerability of it, the power play-- as a bottom, I still felt like I had a lot of power (especially with how many times he came, it was pretty amazing. I guess that's what some of my other lovers must have thought of me :P) Complaints: I couldn't seem to come as well as I usually do. I was certainly turned on, but something wasn't hitting right. That's not to say that I didn't, because I made the properly phrased requests that I knew would get me off, but I would have liked to match him in notching up the orgasms (ha. competitive rubbish.Yes, I know sex isn't all about the orgasm.) So yeah, much fun. Plus, I get the feeling it'll get better as we play some more (as well as venturing into realms yet undiscovered by yours truly.) Part of my hesitation about this all is that I feel like he's getting waaay more into me than I am into him. I don't think that he's under the impression that I'll be exclusive (I should clarify this before I cause trouble, though... not that I anyone in mind) but he started talking about stuff way in the future, and that made me nervous (I don't like to make assumptions and/or promises I can't keep.)
I think my issues with it were also heightened by the aftermath of my usual strong wave of emotion when J called (before going to the cottage Sat night.) Whenever I'm on the phone with him I feel so dumb, like there's so much that I want to say but it all disappears, and then I'm just overcome with the yawning gap in my chest where a bit of my heart feels like it's been ripped out. (Wow, way to go me: I've got the angsty emo drama down-pat-- but we knew that already.)
Also Saturday before returning to the cottage, my mom asked me about whether MSR was a gay bar or not, so I told her, and she reacted weirdly, and said something like "but I thought you were bi", which was really fucked up and made me really upset. I ran away for a bit, and then soon after approached her and asked her what she was talking about. She said that she thinks that I'm very susceptible to my surroundings, and that if I was only going to gay bars all the time, then I wasn't giving myself an "equal opportunity", as well as the same old stuff about it being a hard lifestyle. I acknowledged that sometimes I can be swayed by my surroundings, but I told her that I was going to dance and relax, and it wasn't her choice, or my choice. I kind of wish that I'd said that maybe this was my balancing, my "equal opportunity" if you will, of the years of straight dating JF. At some point, I also remember pointedly asking her if her concern had anything to do with the possibility of not having grandkids by me (she didn't answer.) All in all, her reaction appalled me. For someone so liberal, she's so close-minded when it comes to her daughter... but then, at least I'm able to tell her, I'm so thankful for that.
Today, my eating was fucked up majorly. But hey, that's what Easter is for, right? By all rights, I should have thrown up around twice by now. With my eating habits, I'm really surprised that I'm not so much bigger than I am... I can't even sleep (or am not even attempting to) because I have so much sugar coursing through my veins... it's really gross. More than putting on weight, it's this weird-ass binge cycle, this lack of a grip on self-control, that scares me. I really need to establish my self-trust, and my therapist gave me an eating plan to help that, and instead I fuck it up royally, and I feel that much worse for letting someone else down as well as myself. (But berating myself will only make it worse. Tomorrow is a new day.)

Mother Nature's sewing machine

[hearts will hold ](Jason Mraz)

Yesterday I received another shocking tsunami wave of emotion, turning the corner into S's driveway to see a car that I thought was J's. I think I'm doing just dandy, and I am, but then these break me down for a little bit and I have to take some time to rebuild my oceanfront walls with some new mortar. I have to admit that last night I cuddled a certain stuffed animal in a manner I haven't cuddled one in years-- I didn't even let go in my sleep like I usually would. Then I woke up, agitated, and wrote a poem for the first time since November 30th (I can't believe it's been that long, that's tragic.) I haven't re-read it again, so I don't know if it's any good or not; I presume it's the usual caliber of the poetry I write when it's been a while (i.e. poor; it takes me a while to get back into the swing of it.) Needless to say, I'm experiencing a bit of tumultuous sensation this morning.


On a completely different note, Friday was a trip. I went dancing with SJ again. One thing I love about doing that is that as of yet I have not changed my clothes from what I was wearing all day (aside from removing layers), there's been no aspect of cultivation of a certain impression. In the past, my dressing up/manipulation of impression management (to be all social anthropology on it) has kind of annoyed me, as it usually does when I feel like I'm changing myself to please others (not that me dressing up is expressly changing anything about myself, since I do that anyway, but if I decide against something I love just to upkeep some impact I believe I'm having with one style, it's not true.) What I mean to say is that I've been dressing myself, from one spectrum to the other, and being accepted (will revisit this.) Anyway, Friday night. As with most of my interactions, there was a teensy bit of awkward to begin with, which-- as the dancing commenced-- soon dissipated. There was a little bit of rope, but only for a minute, and a chain for a quick second too, but nothing like the other night (the prospect itself was pretty exciting, though.) It was still amazingly hot though, especially when I finally figured out that he was packing (oh man. There were a couple of times where we might as well have been fucking in the middle of the dance floor. It felt obscene [and so, obviously, I enjoyed it even more. hehe]) A few times, in between or during dances, the way he said 'fuuuck' or shook himself as if my hotness was too much to take made me play certain things up even more (yes, I am a tease.) Later, as we were saying goodbye, we were both so worked up-- he had me growling-- I was about ready to fuck anywhere, but it was not going to happen. We did make a tentative plan to meet next week, though, when he'll be house-sitting for someone...

Saw S last night, wonderful hugs ensued. As I came home yesterday I realized that I expect people to get tired of me, or that I will always be more enthusiastic about them than them about me. I suppose it's social paranoia that's a hangover from middle school/high school drama, but it seems odd that it's such a strong feeling, though I have plenty of evidence to support the idea that I am a lovable person and an enjoyable one to have around. I keep feeling like any day now they're going to find the "real me"/some reason to not like me, latch on that, and it will all fall into the same familiar pattern of dodging. I recognize that this is a somewhat unfounded fear, but it's interesting to observe.

Also, (unrelated) I have noticed that my appreciation of electronic music increases with proportion to my age. My hypothesis is that happens in many people, but the basis has to be from quite a dislike of electronic-based music (or maybe just what techno I encountered in Italy at ages 6-10) for any comparison to be made.

Another thing of note that occurred yesterday: As I was walking with G&AD and S&C (grouped according to who was holding hands) I acknowledged that sometime in the past I would have been made to feel lonely in that situation. Instead, I felt fine, felt like I didn't desperately need to have anyone to hold hands with right now.
(Later, we all held hands, that was pretty cute.)

Every twelve seconds, someone remembers

(Ben Lee- All in this together)
Week whooshed by. It's been crazy busy (Physics test on Monday, Chemistry test on Wednesday night from 9pm-11 [that was my fault, it was a take-home.]) and fun. Went dancing twice at MSR... I forgot just how much I love to dance, plus getting attention is always gratifying. (Ha, typical Leo.) I've had some flirty correspondence too, with cisguys from the Martin (the ones that I didn't have any relations with; none from Tor) one of whom said something about how when he first met me he thought I was an amazing, elven, pixie with great style, and that since I've known him only positive things have been added to that list. The other one and I were discussing the possibilities of me dressing up as either Leeloo Dallas (5th Element) or Emma Frost (X men comics/ TV show), both of whom wear rather little. Dancing involved some make-out time, too (more about that below.) I also have a potential date with SS, to watch Coupling= amazing. Oh, and I have a date with Sy tonight (eh. more about this below, too.) Attention is coming from everywhere, and I plan on just basking in it a while, rather than being overwhelmed and maybe a little scared as I was before.

Speaking of Leos and getting attention, here is what msn said my horoscope for today was: Your love life is a kaleidoscope of shapes and colors today, dear Leo, full of complicated patterns and ever-changing displays of beauty. Everywhere you turn, a new perspective is revealed, and you learn something new about yourself and the people you are involved with. Remain open to the idea of partnership on multiple levels in which you experience different levels of commitment with different people. Every color is needed to make a complete rainbow.
Just thought that was very interesting. I know, we twist it all to fit our lives, but I especially loved that the rainbow came into it, because it encapsulates the different levels and gay pride in one fell swoop.

Went to dinner with S on Friday before we went to MSR, and it totally recharged me. So infinitely grateful for her short stint of the pre-med course: thank you, Universe. I told LJ (not LiveJournal) last week that S was pretty much the reason I was getting through this year, and I don't think that's exaggerating.

Later, at MSR, lots of dancing went down. Some with some cute girls, but ended up mostly being with SJ... it seems if I dance with anyone for any length of time I end up making out with them. That sounds different than what I mean it to, though. I had every intention of dancing (and making out) with SJ. What I was referring to really had more to do with Sy, who in retrospect I probably shouldn't have kissed. But I am a sucker for a good kiss (no pun or innuendo intended.) On the other hand, I'm going to reserve further judgment until our date tonight.

Aha! It just hit me why I'm so overwhelmed with all of this: I have never dated before. I've had a boyfriend, but JF and I got together by drunkenly making out for a couple of nights in a row, and then asking where it was going. JB and I (if that counts as an actual relationship. I have been known to describe my past love life as 'one and a bit' boyfriends-- hehe) also made out drunkenly (though the drunken aspect could have been dropped had we not both needed a bit of dutch courage.) All other relationships/relations I've had have not really started by dating. I am, apparently, pretty easy to pick up (maybe a bit difficult to keep, though.)

Anyways. Dancing yesterday was an elevated version of what happened on the back end of Friday night. SJ and I were there together, not with a group, for one. Also, there was a cuff, and some rope. (Oh My God. Light bondage+dancing+in a public space [with my exhibitionism]= so fucking hot. Add some kissing in there... yowza.) Then later, he gave me a flower (the first wildflower in his garden, apparently) in a little glass coke bottle, which was super-cute. Overall, a nice blend of kink lite and sweetness made for a good night.

Oh, and I also went out to dinner with a bunch of people from my course, and I outed myself to JP talking about MSR and meeting Sy today (She asked me if it was someone special, I think she kind of knew already-- she has some good gaydar) which was cool, but a little odd being at the table across from Q and next to P, who had just been talking about people being lesbians for 4 years while in ASC as if it were an actual phenomenon where they got out of the school and then completely reverted to heterosexuality. (I made faces behind his back. So mature.)

J called me yesterday. I've been averaging maybe 4 hours of sleep a night, so I wasn't at my most coherent... plus I always feel such a strong surge of giddiness and intense desire to please when I talk to him (still) that I get all tongue-tied or babble about stupid stuff. I'm getting better at just bluntly acknowledging to myself that I miss the pants off of him. Last week I was getting all depressed thinking about having to live in Atlanta for longer than I had planned, but there are aspects that have their pluses about it: a)more S time, b)no rent, and c)increased probability of seeing J again. I'm even thinking it may be a good strategy for med school to apply to a state school (cheaper, too.) I wouldn't have to live here for the rest of my life. (in fact, I know I wouldn't)

There's always something more to write about, but Biology reading calls.

Also, I have noticed that when I sing along to that ridiculous "I Kissed a Girl" song, I sing "hope my girlfriend don't mind it" (rather than boyfriend.) Interesting. (but then, I also sing, "we named our children after stars that we'd never been to" for Modest Mouse. hehe.)

This is not [my] year

(more Weepies. There may be a bit of an obsession going on there.)

Actually, this isn't a downer post, despite the title. (That just happens to be the song that's in my head right this second, which is often how my blog gets titled. It's kind of like providing you with my internal soundtrack.)

I don't actually have much of a point to this post, either. (I know, you must be thinking 'does she ever?') I just felt like I wanted to blog, as a release from studying for Physics all day (test tomorrow, whoopie! I'm still going to run before class, though. If I don't know it by now and all that jazz)

Yesterday I was meant to stay home and study while my parents went to someone's house for dinner. Instead, I went out with S, because I knew that if I stayed home I'd just end up eating and eating and eating as I had been all day and getting increasingly angry/frustrated at myself. So I went to immerse myself in some Atlanta queer culture and play with my newly-discovered (possibly dangerous) toy. By which I mean my attractiveness. Seriously, I knew I was pretty, but there are some very strong reactions that I am not used to at all. In MSR some woman was making her way across the dance floor and stopped right in front of me and said "oh, wow." 'Oh, wow?', I was thinking, since when did I garner a reaction like that? I remember going to straight clubs and thinking that I wasn't turning any heads at all (maybe I've written all this before. Sometimes I lose track. Bear with me if I have.) Excuse me, I'm just a bit amazed. I always thought I was ugly growing up, or just too chubby/fat for any prepubescent boys or girls to openly fancy me, at any rate. All this is a learning experience, and I think this might help me get over how shy I am with people I fancy.

Anyway. There was one girl I danced with that I wanted to get the number of, but didn't (she might have tried to find me later like she said, but I was outside for a bit... who knows?) and then another that I danced with who I did get the number of and also some kisses. Let me just say, I really love kisses. Maybe it's my oral fixation, but it's just... a good kiss really makes or breaks a lot. (and sometimes it's not worth the training. On the other hand, sometimes it really is.) There were a couple interesting moments from the night that I wanted to note(ok, more than a couple, but these are my choices):
One was when I smiled at someone going past me in the crowd at the burlesque show. As she went behind me, she ran her hand down my spine. Oh, so sexy.
Another was more just an observation of insecurity/staking of territory-- when I was dancing with SJ for the song he requested, Sy (no last name to make reference by initials, so this will have the suffice for the moment.) hovered around (not dancing), and then as the song seemed to end, swooped in to grab me from SJ. Kind of cute, kind of sad, and kind of creepy all at once. Made me feel a little like a commodity, which I most certainly did not like. I'm not sure the attention I got paid quite made up for that, either. I guess I should talk to Sy about not wanting to date seriously at the moment.
The last thing I wanted to note was when I was dancing with SJ he put his hand on my hips and pulled my belt loop toward him so I would be dancing on him, which I liked rather a lot. Maybe I was just majorly turned on by that point, but the fact remains that I found it rather sexy.
Oh, and one last thing-- of the people that approached me/ danced with me, they were smart. B, the girl I didn't get the number of, is studying for the MCAT too (to take it in July), and Sy is a math teacher. How refreshing, after meeting thick people on the pull at other times. (Now that I really think about it, though, how many times have I honestly been on the pull? Not all that many times. I have spent some time with people with not all that much up top, I must say-- predominantly, TG comes to mind.)

Of all of this, I want to try to remember that I am in control. I'm not going to string anyone along, and I'm not in a place to play games.

(Shit. And I should go over these equations one last time before beddy-byes.)