don't take it's toll" --Bayside
Today, when sitting down to lunch awkwardly with my post-bac pre-med cohorts in the tiny, windowless "events support" room, the subject (as it so often does, in this company) of applying to med schools came up. H was saying something about doing research because it looks good and the schools want someone more "scientific minded" (I don't know about you, but to me that logic doesn't follow: you certainly don't have to hole yourself in decapitating lab rats or fiddling with test tubes to be scientifically-minded.) When she said that, a wave of disgust washed over me. Why the hell should I make myself miserable trying to bend over backward to please some impersonal school admissions committee, when in reality what I'm trying to do is follow (quite literally, in my case) my dreams? Then, after some time had passed, the conversation continued on to talk about specific schools and whether they have the option of being taught in the 'inquiry-based' (case study) style or not, and Q got out a freaking checklist. A checklist! I know intense, I do that. She's been in the pre-med-contemplative game longer than I have... but the way she goes about it, you'd think that it was a list of people to get killed before she can make her way to the throne. The whole tone of it just makes me physically nauseous. So, I got up and left. When I came back, they were still talking about it. So I left again. The third time, I came back and H asked me if I had looked at bridge programs in Ireland. I said something (I don't even remember what. Probably something along the lines of 'no, I am not... no... I can't talk about it') I then proceeded to run away to right outside of bio lab, where SC asked me how I was (which is of course my cue to start crying. Salt and water, hugs, texts, and some meticulous gel electrophoresis, and I'm feeling a little more set. But if I think about it too long, I feel like everything is going to come crashing down.
What I feel is futile. And not just in applying to med schools and trying to get the right pre-requisites (extra-curricular, I mean). I feel futile in a lot of the efforts I am making right now (or was making not too long ago): being vegan, persisting in reformatting things before I print them (double-sided) to save paper, trying to get myself to think in different ways... I feel ineffectual, like I could be trying this hard for years and years and the only thing that would happen is I would burn out.
I know this is melodramatic, and that is not totally true-- but, regardless, it is how I feel, and that is true too.
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JF called me in lab. It makes me so mad when he does that. He can't freaking look at his watch and subtract 5 hours from his time, or just doesn't care or listen when I tell him I have school until 5 on Thursdays and he can't call me then. It's the same old bullshit that I dealt with when we went out, and I'm pretty fed up with it by now. After 5 years of knowing him (~3 of which spent dating him) I have had quite enough of not being listened to [there are countless times I have had very long, one-sided phone conversations with him.] I may not speak often, and sometimes what I say can be quite silly, but that is no reason to not listen to what issues from my mouth. If anything, that should be reason to pay attention even more (importance or amusement. Come on, isn't that compelling?) I'm on the same old rant I always am on about him, so I'll stop.
As usual, there's so much hanging over my head to get done, so I'll be on my busy little way.
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