[Blue]berries

I'm back to the same feeling, this inevitability, this shaking (in all probability soon to be crying) sensation of things being ripped out from under my feet just as I am getting my bearings, feeling like things are right. And the blueberries just remind me, make me think of not knowing what to do once the mix tape was made and given, too late to do anything else but worry and shiver and eat the berries until I felt sick, them bursting on my tongue like little hearts (to roughly quote Sinclair on the Sugarbutch Chronicles.)
Then, it was me leaving. I was going to get in my car and drive away the next day, whether I wanted to or not. And if I had stayed, there would have been nothing for me. I left, and I found more than I ever would have if I had attempted to stay put.
And the time before that, with JB: it's the same feeling-- the same inability to look at someone's face, for what seems like six ages I stare at hands, chests, shoulders... I dig my face into them so I don't have to see what I'm leaving behind, so I can already begin to try to forget the strength of my emotions when I see their faces, smell their smells.
At one point I knew the smell of JB and A, could have vivid flashbacks if I encountered those scents-- but now I can't recall them-- I wonder if I smelled them again (without them present) whether I'd be able to link it back to them. I wonder how long it will be before I forget J's smell, whether I'll remember it at all when it's faded from my skin and clothes. Scent has such powerful ability to conjure memories for me, or to spark intense emotions. Today, there was still a whiff of J when I moved my hand near my face and I was struck-- so sad and joyful and fond, simultaneously.

I realize that this post is a jumble of emotions and words wrapped together so tightly they don't make much sense (being the geek I am, I want to make an analogy to histones and DNA and being so closely knit so transcription factors can get in, but I realize that it would just make me seem even more pompous than I sometimes come across, and not everyone is familiar with the molecular packaging of our genome. Yes, I am a nerd of monumental proportions, and I love it.) Notwithstanding, the emotional outpouring is going to continue for today, because I feel all a-jumble, and I don't want to pretend I'm feeling something I don't, or present a person, or anything phoney (oh Holden*, you dickhead, I love you.) like that. I'm also lacking sleep, which helps take off what little filter I have.

I keep hearing a loop of that one line in that (admittedly pretty poorly written) Mae song that says, "this time is the last time, be here, here now"

More Fair

They left me

with your shadow,

saying things like

Life is not fair

& I believed them

for a long time.

But today,

I remembered

the way you

laughed

& the heat

of your hand

in mine

& I knew that

life is more fair

than we can

ever imagine

if
we are there to live

it

--StoryPeople

*Holden Caufield, people. Catcher in the Rye?