Where is my mind?

At this moment, I should be doing some restriction mapping of some recombinant DNA. Instead, I am going to blog. I am excellent at procrastinating, I know. There are a few things on my mind that I feel the need to relieve before I can get anything done efficiently (and I need to wake up a bit more, to boot.)
So I reassessed Saturday night/Sunday morning, and I think I was just being over dramatic and there was still fondness... but as much as I enjoy his company, I don't think I'm falling as hard as I thought I was before. Maybe it's just me doing my usual distancing thing, or maybe that's just the way it is, but either way I think it's healthier for me, so I'm a little relieved. That being said, I'm still planning to keep very busy as soon as he leaves --including during Spring Break, which I believe will not be spent at Cocoa Beach with some of my cohorts because I'm just too different from them. Maybe I'll convince S to go to Fort Lauderdale or something. Or go camping. Or maybe I'll go see A in Texas (ooh v. good distraction)... anything to divert myself, basically. I suppose I should crack down on my studying, too.

A few days ago I sent Ju an email apologizing for being so rubbish about keeping in contact with him. I didn't explain anything about J, I just said some stuff about being a little emotionally messed up and that I appreciated his messages. He sent me back an email yesterday that said that he had been a little worried about me, and that he thinks I'm an amazing person that he has enjoyed spending time with... and then he asked me if I had an eating disorder. His sister and some of his last girlfriends have apparently had troubles with this, and he recognized it in me. He said some (intelligent and eloquent) things about it, and about how he understands in some ways because he's had similar issues except with sex (which definitely raised my eyebrows) and that he's figured it out a bit recently with the help of Osho book he lent me (among other things.)
It hit me really hard, that I am that transparent (at least, to him. There was something later that I'll touch upon.) I certainly don't try to hide it, since I feel like that just feeds into it, but I didn't think I was that apparent (and, it just hit me, I probably think this because I feel like I'm not skinny enough for it to be physically apparent.)

Then, later, when Q was talking about her friend that weighs out everything she eats and is obsessive about exercizing and eating right, I got really alarmed-- it sounded so much like how I used to be-- and said something (almost on the verge of tears) about how I was recovering, and that was why I got so worried. There I was, with Q, M, and H, telling them this, and they had little to no reaction. (That being said, I think if I was alone with M she would have. Q and H are kind of awkward around me, though. Or just in general.) I guess it was kind of out of place, and I didn't want a large reaction or anything... I just expected some kind of response. Like an indication that they didn't expect it, or even something that told me that they did. It just felt odd to have nothing said about it at all.

With all that said, I'm really having trouble these days with my eating. I've been eating when I'm not hungry, when I'm bored, when I don't want to work, when I need a break in between working, when I come home... whenever. I'm not listening to my body, and then I get upset about putting on weight, as much as I think that it shouldn't matter. I don't have a problem with other people having fat. I'm not even attracted to skinny girls (I am to skinny boys, though, strangely enough. But my attraction to guys has always been kind of weird and not about their body at all.) When it comes to my body, though, I don't want it. Or, at least, not this much. I can run again (which is amazing and I love it) which makes me feel like maybe I'll lose a bit again, but at the same time I don't want to fall back into the pattern of binging and then compensating like I used to do. I'm going to try hard to regain my balance without running as a crutch: to be able to enjoy running and not use it to rationalize the crap I stuff into my mouth without thinking, or to feel like I must go for a run to make up for overeating.
I also feel really shitty about my decision to go vegetarian to cut the cost and stress that catering to a vegan was causing my family. I like cheese and yogurt, yes. My choice to go vegan was never about likes or dislikes. The first few days it felt like my relationship with my mom was less strained than it has been in a while, so that made it feel a little better. Now, though, I'm just feeling like I'm gratuitously eating stuff that I don't agree with eating. I know that part of the reason my mom thought I went vegan was to make it easier to have my ED... and on some level she's right, but it's not what she thinks. It's about control, about being able to choose to have something that I am ethically all right with and not have to deal with the rich foods that she cooks sometimes. Maybe it's a hangover from the idea that her cooking is part of what made me chubby in high school (even though in reality I know it was the eating patterns that I picked up from her.) The control aspect of it was that I knew I wouldn't get to cook in her kitchen, no matter how often she says that she'll let me. Now that I've taken away the vegan part, I feel like I have less control than ever, so me being scared about that is, ironically, fueling some binges that make me want to fall back into my ED all over again. I did have a bit of a lapse of writing down everything I eat, but not to the extent it was-- really just generally trying to sum up how much I was over and (I'll admit it) thinking about how much I would need to earn to not gain any more. I'm trying to reign in that impulse, though.

One step back to take two steps forward-- isn't that how the saying goes?