What's new, right? Right.
Life these days consists of: (weekday) wake up, study, eat, go to school, study, eat, study, eat, go to MCAT prep class, eat, study, sleep. Repeat. The weekend is not that much of a deviation, actually, just more disordered eating because I'm in my house more, and less structured study.
On the subject of eating: I was doing really badly when I first got back from Europe. I'm still not doing well, but I have improved. I also found out that the supposed laxatives I was taking weren't actual laxatives, which makes me feel simultaneously relieved and disappointed. I am feeling pretty good about my body notwithstanding the way I have been treating it, possibly because I know I don't really have time to remedy the maltreatment.
Study-wise: Organic Chem would be fun if I wasn't doing in the summer, specifically this summer. MCAT prep and Orgo at the same time, all condensed like this, is not conducive to avoiding burnout. Nope. Add onto this the stress of trying to figure out what schools I want to go to, how I'm going to fulfill all of the requirements of clinical experience and shadowing before I apply, etc. and I'm pretty much at my wits end. If I have any wits about me, that is.
Emotionally, I am fucked. I am so over doing anything with SJ, I am torn by not hearing from JB, and the attention-whore part of me wants to hear from CM (I don't honestly think that anything would come from it, I just would like to clarify some things.) I miss J, but wonder how I would feel if I saw him again. I got a pretty cute admission of fancying from VE, but I don't think anything is going to come from that, and if it did it would me just messing her around more than she deserves. I do that a lot. I am done with romantic love for a good while, I think. I'll stick to some good old friend-love (and no, not the kind of friend-lovin' I know I've done in the past.) I don't have time for it anyway.
Right, break over. Time to get back to studying.
Showing posts with label med school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label med school. Show all posts
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Hey, man, now you're really living
[the Eels]
Feel like rubbish today. It occurred to me that I have not taken my meds in 6 days, without thinking about it-- it also occurred to me that my fucked up mood swings might have something to do with it, so I'm going to take some tonight and try to make an appointment with a doctor to get my prescription refilled, because I really can't afford to do something to the detriment of myself just because I'm bull-headed. I have enough unhealthy shit going down right now.
Right this moment I feel pretty bad about the SJ thing. I feel like I'm exploiting the attention he gives me, and falling into the same shit I played with CD last year. I feel like I'm holding a horrible double standard, and treating him with the same kind of crap that I am always paranoid people are treating me with when I like them more than they like me. That's not fair, and it's not making me like myself any more. Plus, I really should hunker down and focus more on school for these last few weeks, and then I'm in England, and then this summer's going to pretty much be hell.
Speaking of CD, he wrote me a myspace message today, talking about how he's so sad and misses me but he knows that my feelings for him are no longer there (eek. can't bear to tell him they never really were. CD's one of the bigger mistakes I've made in my large repertoire of fuck-ups) and he can resign himself to his fate and move on, but I have to tell him that. I seem to get myself in this situation quite a bit, where this person that I led on for a little bit because I'm a bitch or attention whore or even because I thought I liked them goes gaga and I feel like the worst person in the world but I cannot conjure up emotion that is not there. I can't stand lying, either... I can do it (not sure how convincingly), but I hate it because it makes me hate myself, and I have enough of that without lying. I also hate to hurt people, though, and that seems like it's just going to happen. Doesn't make it easier, though. Fuck.
I was given a meal plan to help me get back on track. Instead, I have been blatantly ignoring it/deviating from it. I am now afraid to write down the things I have been eating and the way I have been feeling in my food diary as I'm supposed to because I'm afraid of being judged by my therapist. Who I tell a fuck-load, but she couldn't handle everything that goes on in my life (well, what do you know? Neither can I, apparently.) I know she's trained for this shit, but I can hear her tone of voice, I see her little mannerisms shift, I know I've made her uncomfortable before and could easily do it again-- this is why I feel like I could be a good psychiatrist, I can read people pretty well.
Actually, I've been thinking about what I want to do medically, and I feel like I'm leaning more away from psychiatry, more toward family care or something a little more broad... I obviously don't know, though. I still have dreams of marrying cognitive therapy with movement therapy and art therapy. SJ said something about trans folks (or anyone that deviates from the norm, really) being afraid to call an ambulance or go to the doctor when they need to, because of the way that they can be received, which totally fucks me over and makes me so incredibly upset and furious with the myopic world view that so many people have. If I could provide any degree of solace in the medical profession for people who are denied their dignity in the usual health care field, I would be honored. Now how to actually go about it is another matter. I can't exactly put that on my personal statement. :P
Also, on applying to med schools and stuff: I'm reminding myself-- especially when I get freaked out about things-- that this is me attempting to follow my dreams. I've come so far already, and I have agency in deciding how and when it goes down. If I really want it, I can achieve it, and get it done well ("Get 'er done!" hehe.) And in the end, if I don't get in this year? There's always next, and maybe I wasn't meant to rush through it.
Feel like rubbish today. It occurred to me that I have not taken my meds in 6 days, without thinking about it-- it also occurred to me that my fucked up mood swings might have something to do with it, so I'm going to take some tonight and try to make an appointment with a doctor to get my prescription refilled, because I really can't afford to do something to the detriment of myself just because I'm bull-headed. I have enough unhealthy shit going down right now.
Right this moment I feel pretty bad about the SJ thing. I feel like I'm exploiting the attention he gives me, and falling into the same shit I played with CD last year. I feel like I'm holding a horrible double standard, and treating him with the same kind of crap that I am always paranoid people are treating me with when I like them more than they like me. That's not fair, and it's not making me like myself any more. Plus, I really should hunker down and focus more on school for these last few weeks, and then I'm in England, and then this summer's going to pretty much be hell.
Speaking of CD, he wrote me a myspace message today, talking about how he's so sad and misses me but he knows that my feelings for him are no longer there (eek. can't bear to tell him they never really were. CD's one of the bigger mistakes I've made in my large repertoire of fuck-ups) and he can resign himself to his fate and move on, but I have to tell him that. I seem to get myself in this situation quite a bit, where this person that I led on for a little bit because I'm a bitch or attention whore or even because I thought I liked them goes gaga and I feel like the worst person in the world but I cannot conjure up emotion that is not there. I can't stand lying, either... I can do it (not sure how convincingly), but I hate it because it makes me hate myself, and I have enough of that without lying. I also hate to hurt people, though, and that seems like it's just going to happen. Doesn't make it easier, though. Fuck.
I was given a meal plan to help me get back on track. Instead, I have been blatantly ignoring it/deviating from it. I am now afraid to write down the things I have been eating and the way I have been feeling in my food diary as I'm supposed to because I'm afraid of being judged by my therapist. Who I tell a fuck-load, but she couldn't handle everything that goes on in my life (well, what do you know? Neither can I, apparently.) I know she's trained for this shit, but I can hear her tone of voice, I see her little mannerisms shift, I know I've made her uncomfortable before and could easily do it again-- this is why I feel like I could be a good psychiatrist, I can read people pretty well.
Actually, I've been thinking about what I want to do medically, and I feel like I'm leaning more away from psychiatry, more toward family care or something a little more broad... I obviously don't know, though. I still have dreams of marrying cognitive therapy with movement therapy and art therapy. SJ said something about trans folks (or anyone that deviates from the norm, really) being afraid to call an ambulance or go to the doctor when they need to, because of the way that they can be received, which totally fucks me over and makes me so incredibly upset and furious with the myopic world view that so many people have. If I could provide any degree of solace in the medical profession for people who are denied their dignity in the usual health care field, I would be honored. Now how to actually go about it is another matter. I can't exactly put that on my personal statement. :P
Also, on applying to med schools and stuff: I'm reminding myself-- especially when I get freaked out about things-- that this is me attempting to follow my dreams. I've come so far already, and I have agency in deciding how and when it goes down. If I really want it, I can achieve it, and get it done well ("Get 'er done!" hehe.) And in the end, if I don't get in this year? There's always next, and maybe I wasn't meant to rush through it.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
"I look so strong when the weight of all the world
don't take it's toll" --Bayside
Today, when sitting down to lunch awkwardly with my post-bac pre-med cohorts in the tiny, windowless "events support" room, the subject (as it so often does, in this company) of applying to med schools came up. H was saying something about doing research because it looks good and the schools want someone more "scientific minded" (I don't know about you, but to me that logic doesn't follow: you certainly don't have to hole yourself in decapitating lab rats or fiddling with test tubes to be scientifically-minded.) When she said that, a wave of disgust washed over me. Why the hell should I make myself miserable trying to bend over backward to please some impersonal school admissions committee, when in reality what I'm trying to do is follow (quite literally, in my case) my dreams? Then, after some time had passed, the conversation continued on to talk about specific schools and whether they have the option of being taught in the 'inquiry-based' (case study) style or not, and Q got out a freaking checklist. A checklist! I know intense, I do that. She's been in the pre-med-contemplative game longer than I have... but the way she goes about it, you'd think that it was a list of people to get killed before she can make her way to the throne. The whole tone of it just makes me physically nauseous. So, I got up and left. When I came back, they were still talking about it. So I left again. The third time, I came back and H asked me if I had looked at bridge programs in Ireland. I said something (I don't even remember what. Probably something along the lines of 'no, I am not... no... I can't talk about it') I then proceeded to run away to right outside of bio lab, where SC asked me how I was (which is of course my cue to start crying. Salt and water, hugs, texts, and some meticulous gel electrophoresis, and I'm feeling a little more set. But if I think about it too long, I feel like everything is going to come crashing down.
What I feel is futile. And not just in applying to med schools and trying to get the right pre-requisites (extra-curricular, I mean). I feel futile in a lot of the efforts I am making right now (or was making not too long ago): being vegan, persisting in reformatting things before I print them (double-sided) to save paper, trying to get myself to think in different ways... I feel ineffectual, like I could be trying this hard for years and years and the only thing that would happen is I would burn out.
I know this is melodramatic, and that is not totally true-- but, regardless, it is how I feel, and that is true too.
-------------
JF called me in lab. It makes me so mad when he does that. He can't freaking look at his watch and subtract 5 hours from his time, or just doesn't care or listen when I tell him I have school until 5 on Thursdays and he can't call me then. It's the same old bullshit that I dealt with when we went out, and I'm pretty fed up with it by now. After 5 years of knowing him (~3 of which spent dating him) I have had quite enough of not being listened to [there are countless times I have had very long, one-sided phone conversations with him.] I may not speak often, and sometimes what I say can be quite silly, but that is no reason to not listen to what issues from my mouth. If anything, that should be reason to pay attention even more (importance or amusement. Come on, isn't that compelling?) I'm on the same old rant I always am on about him, so I'll stop.
As usual, there's so much hanging over my head to get done, so I'll be on my busy little way.
Today, when sitting down to lunch awkwardly with my post-bac pre-med cohorts in the tiny, windowless "events support" room, the subject (as it so often does, in this company) of applying to med schools came up. H was saying something about doing research because it looks good and the schools want someone more "scientific minded" (I don't know about you, but to me that logic doesn't follow: you certainly don't have to hole yourself in decapitating lab rats or fiddling with test tubes to be scientifically-minded.) When she said that, a wave of disgust washed over me. Why the hell should I make myself miserable trying to bend over backward to please some impersonal school admissions committee, when in reality what I'm trying to do is follow (quite literally, in my case) my dreams? Then, after some time had passed, the conversation continued on to talk about specific schools and whether they have the option of being taught in the 'inquiry-based' (case study) style or not, and Q got out a freaking checklist. A checklist! I know intense, I do that. She's been in the pre-med-contemplative game longer than I have... but the way she goes about it, you'd think that it was a list of people to get killed before she can make her way to the throne. The whole tone of it just makes me physically nauseous. So, I got up and left. When I came back, they were still talking about it. So I left again. The third time, I came back and H asked me if I had looked at bridge programs in Ireland. I said something (I don't even remember what. Probably something along the lines of 'no, I am not... no... I can't talk about it') I then proceeded to run away to right outside of bio lab, where SC asked me how I was (which is of course my cue to start crying. Salt and water, hugs, texts, and some meticulous gel electrophoresis, and I'm feeling a little more set. But if I think about it too long, I feel like everything is going to come crashing down.
What I feel is futile. And not just in applying to med schools and trying to get the right pre-requisites (extra-curricular, I mean). I feel futile in a lot of the efforts I am making right now (or was making not too long ago): being vegan, persisting in reformatting things before I print them (double-sided) to save paper, trying to get myself to think in different ways... I feel ineffectual, like I could be trying this hard for years and years and the only thing that would happen is I would burn out.
I know this is melodramatic, and that is not totally true-- but, regardless, it is how I feel, and that is true too.
-------------
JF called me in lab. It makes me so mad when he does that. He can't freaking look at his watch and subtract 5 hours from his time, or just doesn't care or listen when I tell him I have school until 5 on Thursdays and he can't call me then. It's the same old bullshit that I dealt with when we went out, and I'm pretty fed up with it by now. After 5 years of knowing him (~3 of which spent dating him) I have had quite enough of not being listened to [there are countless times I have had very long, one-sided phone conversations with him.] I may not speak often, and sometimes what I say can be quite silly, but that is no reason to not listen to what issues from my mouth. If anything, that should be reason to pay attention even more (importance or amusement. Come on, isn't that compelling?) I'm on the same old rant I always am on about him, so I'll stop.
As usual, there's so much hanging over my head to get done, so I'll be on my busy little way.
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