is all I can seem to do today. Organic chem since 8:30 (well, actually since 7, since I got up early to work on it) until 3, then a diagnostic for the MCAT from 6-10. The only good part about my day was I went for a run.
Then I stuffed my face with trail mix and have again abused the laxatives. It seems 'recovery' is not part of the picture right this moment.
Showing posts with label running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label running. Show all posts
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
You're not a baby if you feel the world
(The Blow)
Yesterday I was utterly unproductive, and was getting increasingly angry at myself for it (as well as pissed off and upset about pretty much anything that presented itself to me) so I went for a run. It was good, as per usual, and I felt an odd ability to disconnect myself from my music and think, which sometimes I have a lot of difficulty doing (if the music doesn't fit with my mood, especially.) At one point, I felt such a huge surge of emotion that I started crying, whilst running. Then, a few minutes (or was it seconds?) passed and I was laughing at some thing or another. That's one amazing thing about weaning off of my meds-- I feel such a large range of emotion, it's like waking up after years of being asleep. I have also wondered in the past whether my ability to come has been affected by weaning off of meds. I know it's definitely different than when I was on the birth control that killed my libido, and I know I felt more when I went off the second med that psychiatrist had me on (oh man. At the time I stayed with him because he was helping some aspects, but he blatantly ignored that I might have an eating disorder just because I seemed to be a healthy weight. What a fuckwad. Story of my relationships that I stayed with him, I suppose.) [On a related note, I'm going to try skipping nights with my meds, since I can't break the 1/4 any more.]
Anyways, after said run, I found a missed call and a text, the latter inviting me to a queer party, which I heartily accepted the invitation. I figured, if I was going to be unproductive, I may as well have fun doing it. So I went, and had a somewhat bizarre time. S had mentioned a long time ago about how she thought the queer scene here would love me, but I never really took it seriously. Yesterday, though, I got so much attention. I'm an attention-whore, and I know it, but I really didn't know what to do with it. That's a whole lot more potential power than I'm used to wielding (at least, in a group setting) and I felt very and extremely naive. I got my shoelaces tied together, I got my hair played with (and tugged), I got snuggles, I got comments that I was cute from people that apparently only usually notice bois, offers of cooking... for someone who is somewhat shy in new situations, I was a little overwhelmed, to put it simply. But I had a wonderful time. It makes me think of when I was much younger and MS was speculating about how I need to be careful when I discover how pretty I am, because I could do some dangerous things to myself if I didn't know how to wield it. And I don't know how to wield it, because-- as silly as it sounds and as often as people tell me-- I sometimes have a hard time discovering it. (It should be noted that at other times I do know it, and strut around like a right old prick.) It was a very interesting experience. I'd like to learn how to react a little better, I think I was just a little amazed and taken aback at the time.
Today was not a huge amount more productive, but I did get my chem lab done (at 6:10. I had been "working" on it since 12.) In between "working" I was thinking about the economy and brainstorming little ways that I could help, at least my family:
*go through my stuff, pick things that I need and get rid of the rest (either selling, charity, or re-using in a different way)
*volunteer (at Grady-- which I have an interview for tomorrow. eek!-- and/or at foodbanks)
*wearing more layers and turning the heat down (so glad spring is coming)
*not buying more music
(the next two are kind of embarrassing and ED related, but:)
*fit into my clothes so that I don't have to buy more
*eat only what is necessary so that we don't have to buy as much
*be healthy so that we don't have to pay medical/dental/whatever bills
*turning off my computer so that I don't use as much electricity
and
*not being afraid to cook, so that we can use some of the resources of our cupboards (we always joked that they were stocked for an apocalypse)
also, I was reading a Psychology Today article that said that there were three practices that would help deal with the stress of economic crisis: deep breathing, light exercise, and listening to music. Sounds like a good idea to me :)
Yesterday I was utterly unproductive, and was getting increasingly angry at myself for it (as well as pissed off and upset about pretty much anything that presented itself to me) so I went for a run. It was good, as per usual, and I felt an odd ability to disconnect myself from my music and think, which sometimes I have a lot of difficulty doing (if the music doesn't fit with my mood, especially.) At one point, I felt such a huge surge of emotion that I started crying, whilst running. Then, a few minutes (or was it seconds?) passed and I was laughing at some thing or another. That's one amazing thing about weaning off of my meds-- I feel such a large range of emotion, it's like waking up after years of being asleep. I have also wondered in the past whether my ability to come has been affected by weaning off of meds. I know it's definitely different than when I was on the birth control that killed my libido, and I know I felt more when I went off the second med that psychiatrist had me on (oh man. At the time I stayed with him because he was helping some aspects, but he blatantly ignored that I might have an eating disorder just because I seemed to be a healthy weight. What a fuckwad. Story of my relationships that I stayed with him, I suppose.) [On a related note, I'm going to try skipping nights with my meds, since I can't break the 1/4 any more.]
Anyways, after said run, I found a missed call and a text, the latter inviting me to a queer party, which I heartily accepted the invitation. I figured, if I was going to be unproductive, I may as well have fun doing it. So I went, and had a somewhat bizarre time. S had mentioned a long time ago about how she thought the queer scene here would love me, but I never really took it seriously. Yesterday, though, I got so much attention. I'm an attention-whore, and I know it, but I really didn't know what to do with it. That's a whole lot more potential power than I'm used to wielding (at least, in a group setting) and I felt very and extremely naive. I got my shoelaces tied together, I got my hair played with (and tugged), I got snuggles, I got comments that I was cute from people that apparently only usually notice bois, offers of cooking... for someone who is somewhat shy in new situations, I was a little overwhelmed, to put it simply. But I had a wonderful time. It makes me think of when I was much younger and MS was speculating about how I need to be careful when I discover how pretty I am, because I could do some dangerous things to myself if I didn't know how to wield it. And I don't know how to wield it, because-- as silly as it sounds and as often as people tell me-- I sometimes have a hard time discovering it. (It should be noted that at other times I do know it, and strut around like a right old prick.) It was a very interesting experience. I'd like to learn how to react a little better, I think I was just a little amazed and taken aback at the time.
Today was not a huge amount more productive, but I did get my chem lab done (at 6:10. I had been "working" on it since 12.) In between "working" I was thinking about the economy and brainstorming little ways that I could help, at least my family:
*go through my stuff, pick things that I need and get rid of the rest (either selling, charity, or re-using in a different way)
*volunteer (at Grady-- which I have an interview for tomorrow. eek!-- and/or at foodbanks)
*wearing more layers and turning the heat down (so glad spring is coming)
*not buying more music
(the next two are kind of embarrassing and ED related, but:)
*fit into my clothes so that I don't have to buy more
*eat only what is necessary so that we don't have to buy as much
*be healthy so that we don't have to pay medical/dental/whatever bills
*turning off my computer so that I don't use as much electricity
and
*not being afraid to cook, so that we can use some of the resources of our cupboards (we always joked that they were stocked for an apocalypse)
also, I was reading a Psychology Today article that said that there were three practices that would help deal with the stress of economic crisis: deep breathing, light exercise, and listening to music. Sounds like a good idea to me :)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I don't know if you can dance
(Lisa Hannigan, "I don't know" She used to go out with and sing with Damien Rice. It's cutesy stuff.)
The last two days have been very good. The days before that (from Saturday) were pretty good, too, except for the nightly emergence of my funk. It feels so amazing to be able to live by myself, to choose when and what I eat, to set my own schedule. I guess I got scared of that considering last year, but that really wasn't conscious solitude, it was induced by T going off and disappearing up N's bum. I love them both, but that hurt me a lot. It made me feel like I was not worth spending time with, and I expressed this to T, and she just wrote it off as something that she does when she's in a relationship, saying that people can't change. I really hate when people say that, because I believe that they can, if there's a need and/or a strong enough desire. There are plenty of examples of people changing for the worse, why not for the better? Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. The kind of solitude that I've been experiencing in the last few days is really refreshing, like what JBa (haha another J) was attempting to cultivate last year. The kind of solitude that doesn't necessarily mean isolation, just plenty of alone-time and being social when I feel like it and not when it's mandatory. The food thing probably has a large impact on all this serenity, and vice versa. I've been eating mostly when I'm hungry, and stopping when I've had enough, and it feels good. I also am eating strange-ass things that I would never dream of serving to my parents without first testing it out, and being vegan. It feels so healthy, but in the good, satisfying sense, not in the "rabbit food"/granola sense. For example, last night for dinner I had an edamame, arame, sundried tomato, and dried mushroom salad, and roasted butternut squash with rosemary and nutritional yeast. Omnomnomnom.
I went for a run yesterday in the graveyard where J and I walked and talked a long time ago... (I just checked, it'll be 2 months ago tomorrow) I always think that I'm going to hash things out when I'm running out, but usually my deep-thinking thoughts are fleeting, like little wisps of dreams that float up between the rhythm afforded by my pounding feet. I end up being more than thinking when I'm running, which is why I like it-- it's my meditation. I never was good at sitting still, anyway. At any rate, there were certainly some fond flashbacks interspersed between the paces. Fond, and sad, both of which I expected. And there was also something else, maybe a sadness that my memory is so fickle and that though it's only been a little over a week since he left I feel as if it were all a dream, as if it never really happened except in my head. (That's why I journal as much as I can-- otherwise I'd have very little recollection of anything that goes on.)
Also contributing to my improved mood is the fact that I shared my J-involved reasons for funk-ness with S, and she was wonderful about it and suggested I tell him, which I did, which of course made things better. I should know by now that communication usually clears things like this up, but I guess I usually wait until it escalates and I've done a lot more to hurt myself at that point. At any rate, it's out there now.
Yay, more planning to see people in May. It's coming up sooner than I think, which is both good and crazy scary, since that means I need to a)crack down on studying and b)sort out applications(and even institutions. Oh bugger.) *deep breath* I will not freak out.
The last two days have been very good. The days before that (from Saturday) were pretty good, too, except for the nightly emergence of my funk. It feels so amazing to be able to live by myself, to choose when and what I eat, to set my own schedule. I guess I got scared of that considering last year, but that really wasn't conscious solitude, it was induced by T going off and disappearing up N's bum. I love them both, but that hurt me a lot. It made me feel like I was not worth spending time with, and I expressed this to T, and she just wrote it off as something that she does when she's in a relationship, saying that people can't change. I really hate when people say that, because I believe that they can, if there's a need and/or a strong enough desire. There are plenty of examples of people changing for the worse, why not for the better? Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. The kind of solitude that I've been experiencing in the last few days is really refreshing, like what JBa (haha another J) was attempting to cultivate last year. The kind of solitude that doesn't necessarily mean isolation, just plenty of alone-time and being social when I feel like it and not when it's mandatory. The food thing probably has a large impact on all this serenity, and vice versa. I've been eating mostly when I'm hungry, and stopping when I've had enough, and it feels good. I also am eating strange-ass things that I would never dream of serving to my parents without first testing it out, and being vegan. It feels so healthy, but in the good, satisfying sense, not in the "rabbit food"/granola sense. For example, last night for dinner I had an edamame, arame, sundried tomato, and dried mushroom salad, and roasted butternut squash with rosemary and nutritional yeast. Omnomnomnom.
I went for a run yesterday in the graveyard where J and I walked and talked a long time ago... (I just checked, it'll be 2 months ago tomorrow) I always think that I'm going to hash things out when I'm running out, but usually my deep-thinking thoughts are fleeting, like little wisps of dreams that float up between the rhythm afforded by my pounding feet. I end up being more than thinking when I'm running, which is why I like it-- it's my meditation. I never was good at sitting still, anyway. At any rate, there were certainly some fond flashbacks interspersed between the paces. Fond, and sad, both of which I expected. And there was also something else, maybe a sadness that my memory is so fickle and that though it's only been a little over a week since he left I feel as if it were all a dream, as if it never really happened except in my head. (That's why I journal as much as I can-- otherwise I'd have very little recollection of anything that goes on.)
Also contributing to my improved mood is the fact that I shared my J-involved reasons for funk-ness with S, and she was wonderful about it and suggested I tell him, which I did, which of course made things better. I should know by now that communication usually clears things like this up, but I guess I usually wait until it escalates and I've done a lot more to hurt myself at that point. At any rate, it's out there now.
Yay, more planning to see people in May. It's coming up sooner than I think, which is both good and crazy scary, since that means I need to a)crack down on studying and b)sort out applications(and even institutions. Oh bugger.) *deep breath* I will not freak out.
Friday, March 6, 2009
All this beauty (might have to close your eyes)*
(*more Weepies quotage. Yes yes.)
I wanted to share some pictures that I have saved on my computer from my many hours of random searching (interspersed)
I wrote Ju a rather incomprehensible email yesterday, basically saying that I can't see him like that anymore because I can't be myself around him. I do enjoy his company, but there's just something about him that smacks of JF, and I do not want to get myself into that kind of relationship again. He took it well, though he thinks it's the age difference. I figure, just let him think what he does, if the whole truth comes out later, then it does. I'd prefer to let it emerge organically than try to gouge it out.
Bit of a freak-out today. My knees ache, which makes me anxious about not being able to run (I keep joking that pretty soon I'll be made out of Ace bandages.) Then, instead of eating my packed lunch and going home to help mom make gnocchi, I went out to lunch with a couple of my cohorts. That part was fine, and the food doesn't make me feel guilty, but I had two big glasses of margarita, and the calories for that shit adds up fast. That's (to be entirely honest) why I stopped drinking in the first place. Plus I'm already over for this week, because I had some (very much conscious) binges earlier in the week, where my eating was almost aggressive, not healthy (in tone) at all. I feel like I've been steadily putting on weight for a while now, and I need to stop that, for the sake of my sanity. So I'm going to go back to counting
calories again, until I can gain some sense of control and balance. I'm going to focus on the usual mindful eating stuff, and I'm going to do it in my own company (H is letting me stay at hers while I take care of her cat, so I can be on my own footing and not have to worry about what my mom cooks/the contents of our pantry.) Spring break means I have time to read Osho and do yoga and come back to having some semblance of inner peace. I feel some arting and writing coming on, too. Just what I need before bunging myself into the second half of the term.
Sharing these helps me feel grounded, too. I'm being reminded of things that I love and thus who I really am, rather than who I am when I'm stressed out and all over the place.
Happy times.
I wanted to share some pictures that I have saved on my computer from my many hours of random searching (interspersed)I wrote Ju a rather incomprehensible email yesterday, basically saying that I can't see him like that anymore because I can't be myself around him. I do enjoy his company, but there's just something about him that smacks of JF, and I do not want to get myself into that kind of relationship again. He took it well, though he thinks it's the age difference. I figure, just let him think what he does, if the whole truth comes out later, then it does. I'd prefer to let it emerge organically than try to gouge it out.
Bit of a freak-out today. My knees ache, which makes me anxious about not being able to run (I keep joking that pretty soon I'll be made out of Ace bandages.) Then, instead of eating my packed lunch and going home to help mom make gnocchi, I went out to lunch with a couple of my cohorts. That part was fine, and the food doesn't make me feel guilty, but I had two big glasses of margarita, and the calories for that shit adds up fast. That's (to be entirely honest) why I stopped drinking in the first place. Plus I'm already over for this week, because I had some (very much conscious) binges earlier in the week, where my eating was almost aggressive, not healthy (in tone) at all. I feel like I've been steadily putting on weight for a while now, and I need to stop that, for the sake of my sanity. So I'm going to go back to counting
calories again, until I can gain some sense of control and balance. I'm going to focus on the usual mindful eating stuff, and I'm going to do it in my own company (H is letting me stay at hers while I take care of her cat, so I can be on my own footing and not have to worry about what my mom cooks/the contents of our pantry.) Spring break means I have time to read Osho and do yoga and come back to having some semblance of inner peace. I feel some arting and writing coming on, too. Just what I need before bunging myself into the second half of the term.
Sharing these helps me feel grounded, too. I'm being reminded of things that I love and thus who I really am, rather than who I am when I'm stressed out and all over the place.
Happy times.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Bloggosaurus regina
Ok, so maybe not quite queen, but I don't know the Latin for princess, all right? I just like the sound of it anyway, it's got nothing to do with the caliber that I think my blog is at.
For my peace of mind (ha! I just typed 'for my peach of mind') I decided to calculate the calories I have burned this week from all my running (Mon, Wed, Fri, and today-- woot!) and try and roughly see if I was balanced in terms of eating calories (I know, I should be focused on what I eat, not how much it comes up to... I'm working on it.) I have burnt around 2,600 calories on those four runs and the little bits afterwards. More than feeling proud about the number of calories I've burnt, though, is this beautiful blooming sensation of happiness that eschews from my chest and radiates through my body. I knew I liked to run, but I forgot how much I love it. It's kind of like the Osho book I'm reading (Yoga: the science of the soul-- I know, it sound hokey but it's got some interesting points.) He talks about how sex is a glimpse of happiness:
"For a single moment you feel at ease. All the miseries have disappeared, all the mental agony is no more. For a single moment you are here and now, you have forgotten all. For a single moment there is no past and no future. Because of this [...] the energy flows from within you. Your inner self flows in this moment..."
I definitely feel this way while I'm running. (Yes, and during sex, too.) I am just there, my feet pounding pavement or earth, breathing and smelling and seeing and smiling.
For my peace of mind (ha! I just typed 'for my peach of mind') I decided to calculate the calories I have burned this week from all my running (Mon, Wed, Fri, and today-- woot!) and try and roughly see if I was balanced in terms of eating calories (I know, I should be focused on what I eat, not how much it comes up to... I'm working on it.) I have burnt around 2,600 calories on those four runs and the little bits afterwards. More than feeling proud about the number of calories I've burnt, though, is this beautiful blooming sensation of happiness that eschews from my chest and radiates through my body. I knew I liked to run, but I forgot how much I love it. It's kind of like the Osho book I'm reading (Yoga: the science of the soul-- I know, it sound hokey but it's got some interesting points.) He talks about how sex is a glimpse of happiness:
"For a single moment you feel at ease. All the miseries have disappeared, all the mental agony is no more. For a single moment you are here and now, you have forgotten all. For a single moment there is no past and no future. Because of this [...] the energy flows from within you. Your inner self flows in this moment..."
I definitely feel this way while I'm running. (Yes, and during sex, too.) I am just there, my feet pounding pavement or earth, breathing and smelling and seeing and smiling.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
how my heart is feeling
Today, I woke up with an overwhelming desire to go for a run. Though my toe has been aching and hurting me a lot recently, it didn't seem to when I was walking in my running shoes, so I gave it a go-- and went for a proper run. It felt amazing, but my heart is definitely still beating faster than usual, and I have that fun clenchy feeling in my chest from breathing in cold air. Notwithstanding all that, I'm so happy about it.
The other way my heart feels: sinking. I didn't expect to have actual valentine's plans with J, but we did arrange to meet up, and there was mention of cooking dinner together and possibly going dancing, which got my hopes up... Now, after sending a text asking about when we're going to meet up (it's 7:30pm, mind you, which is around my dinner time and past most people's) I got a call saying that he's just returning from a Manhunt thing (which I'm still adjusting to) and that S and him were going to make some special brownies and go to a sketchy store someplace. While he invited me, and I'm going because I love S and certainly don't mind being around them both, that is NOT cooking and dancing. Those kinds of brownies don't count. I don't know if I'll partake or not, especially considering I want to take my Chem test tomorrow. I just don't want to feel this down the whole night. I mean, I'm sure we'll get to fool around, and it will be fun with S, I just... well, I expected too much. To quote Ariel?Ariel!, I have been at this moment before. Many times-- but I won't go into that, because it's too whiny, even for me in an emo-depressed state.
So now, my mission is to cheer myself up before I go out. Hiphoppopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros it is.
The other way my heart feels: sinking. I didn't expect to have actual valentine's plans with J, but we did arrange to meet up, and there was mention of cooking dinner together and possibly going dancing, which got my hopes up... Now, after sending a text asking about when we're going to meet up (it's 7:30pm, mind you, which is around my dinner time and past most people's) I got a call saying that he's just returning from a Manhunt thing (which I'm still adjusting to) and that S and him were going to make some special brownies and go to a sketchy store someplace. While he invited me, and I'm going because I love S and certainly don't mind being around them both, that is NOT cooking and dancing. Those kinds of brownies don't count. I don't know if I'll partake or not, especially considering I want to take my Chem test tomorrow. I just don't want to feel this down the whole night. I mean, I'm sure we'll get to fool around, and it will be fun with S, I just... well, I expected too much. To quote Ariel?Ariel!, I have been at this moment before. Many times-- but I won't go into that, because it's too whiny, even for me in an emo-depressed state.
So now, my mission is to cheer myself up before I go out. Hiphoppopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros it is.
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