A Londres...

faire comme les Londoniers? (je ne sais pas.)

I've been in London since Saturday at noon. It's very strange, and very nice simultaneously: I haven't been since I left York after graduation in '07. At that point, I was still technically "with" JF (though stuff with JB had already happened and I was mentally gone already.) Now, I'm single and a lot more mature... but still do things that I might not if I considered the consequences. For example, making out with AB, who's one of my best friends and also the person I am staying with for the duration of my stay in London... I'm fairly certain that he's approaching it as casually as I am (I almost typed 'with as much casualty', which may well be the case if I am wrong) so it's just a bit of fun, but I was wondering about how it would interfere if there was someone else that I wanted to pull during my trip (I will name no names... or even initials. I'm just open to possibilities.) One of the things that came up in mid-kiss pauses was the fact that we could get in a lot of trouble for it--from JF. I understand the whole 'no fooling around with/whatever with my ex' to a degree, but it still pisses me off that he still (unknowingly) claims some level of ownership over me. He'd say that he doesn't, but if he knew that AB and I messed around, he'd flip a shit (I don't know where I got that expression, apologies.)

Speaking of issues with ownership, I know that I should tell SJ about all this stuff (well, AB for the moment-- my mother accurately noted before I left that I'm a sucker for accents) but I'm not exactly sure how. He said stuff about being cool with me doing stuff, and even was considering doing stuff himself with some special people that were coming through town, but then he threw in the 'My grrrl' and wants me to say 'my Daddy' after that, so he may have decided against it and is not being clear (this happens a lot, actually. He apparently told me my safeword at one point (obviously earlier in our play dates) but I didn't catch it because sometimes I can't understand him or hear him, and I ask him to repeat himself a lot, so I feel rude and like a bad grrrl. I think it'll be best to just let him know about whatever goes on when I get back, rather than sending him emails with whatever has happened of that nature.

So far, I have walked along the Thames, gone to Camden, gotten lost a lot, and just generally chilled-- which is amazing. I have not studied since Wednesday (though I'm planning to start MCAT review, or at least work on my personal statement, today) The people I've seen have been my brother and AB... I see JF tomorrow, we'll see what that's like. Now, I'm going to try to think of something yummy for dinner and do aforementioned work. Huzzah!

I let it go, like paper airplanes

[I don't know who this is. I know it's a song, though.]
*Disclaimer: annoyingly emo and angsty post.

Today, I cannot be positive. I should be studying, I have a lot of work to do... but instead I am sitting, invisible, on gchat, lamenting the fact that I can't/won't talk to J. I would like to go visible and start chatting, but I am terrified that he will go not reply and go offline like has happened so many times before, and I don't want to feed into my paranoia. Besides, I don't have anything positive to say. Yes, it's what I'm feeling, but it's also a downer. I don't want anyone else to feel the sapping of energy and vitality that I am experiencing right now. This is a pretty good analogy of how I feel even when we're talking to each other though-- there's a barrier, a sadness that keeps me from really communicating, as much as I'd like to discuss everything and anything. But when it comes down to it? I can't. I clam up. I become the scared little girl from middle school, hiding behind her fat and feeling like nothing in the world could make whoever my attention was focused on like me, so I might as well be stand-offish. I need sleep, and just enough food, and hugs.

I need more meds, but don't have an appointment with the doctor yet.

Taken out of context I must seem so strange

(Ani DiFranco)

Yesterday I went to an event about "Transformative Justice" which was interesting, though I wanted more: it was too much of a teaser for me to feel fully satisfied. What really sparked me was the way they begun: they asked everyone to share their name (which they subsequently remembered, I loved that) and one way in which they have observed the economic crisis cause an increase in violence in their community. As we went around, I got more ideas-- but as usual didn't think they were worth sharing. Why do I pass such harsh judgment on myself?-- but some people had some awesome ways of interpreting 'violence' that really made me thing. For example, violence to the self: not just self harm (which we all know can stem from the desperation that an economic crisis can entail) but also the choice to stay in/take a job that is not a passion/love, or the choice to go back to/stay in an abusive relationship because (more than ever) it seems like there is no where else to go. I wish I'd had my notebook near me, I could have retained more. Later, over sweet potato fries with Tasmanian pepperberry sauce (yum), S mentioned how my choice to not be vegan against my express will was a form of violence to myself caused in part by the economic crisis, which really hit home. Overall, I enjoyed the event a lot, though I could have done more with a couple hours more (at least) of dialogue and presentation. (Also, one of the presenters was pretty hot-- which was amplified by her clear passion for the subject and intelligence) The only thing that I didn't like was how it reminded me of how removed I am from theoretical analysis these days. It reminded me of the urgency of regaining/retaining my vocabulary and literary ability. [speaking of which: a word I had forgotten the meaning of, but love: maudlin (self-pityingly or tearfully sentimental--COED)] I can't pretend that it won't help me in life, and I need it for my sanity. Now all I need is methods that can be implicated in between science classes and volunteering and studying for MCATs,etc., etc. (Oh, I do love to complain. Life is not bad. In fact, it's pretty good right now-- but that may be mostly because I have lots of reflection time with Spring Break.)

On the topic of reflection, I've been kind of dodging/being dodged by J in terms of communication. Which, considering the email exchange on Monday, I'm not taking personally. As for my side of it, this is quite a common technique for me-- this way it's easier for me to pretend that nothing happened (having a crap memory helps.) Which isn't to say that I haven't been thinking about it. I was at my pseudo-family's house again earlier today, taking care of their dog, and though I have so many memories of that house (Christmases, random days, childhood... those don't just fade) they've been tainted by the faint scent of a recollection, of moans on the couch, of waking up together early in the extra bedroom... But I'm not going there. It doesn't do me any good to dwell on the past, as I should well know by now. I'm trying to live in the moment (well, insofar as that is possible in a culture that constantly demands forethought and planning, and as a pre-med student, to boot.)
Something I wrote yesterday on the subject: "Something about the evening makes me full of nostalgia and regrets-- which may be why it's usually my over-eating time as well. But I am focusing on the here and now: I am waking up, my body is waking up, my mouth feels thirst, my eyes are still crusted (allergies, ahoy!). I'm laying on the couch with a band of sunlight striping across my body, with thoughts of the past flashing in my mind. I'm not fighting them, just observing them, as Osho says to do. Lots of J looking down or away, nothing where we're interacting (probably significant.) My stomach is twisting slightly, I can feel the fan's air waves play with my skin's hair. I am thinking I am going for a run. And not in the graveyard, either."
(apologies for the stream-of-consciousness faults.)
Anyways, I think that sums it up nicely-- life goes on, with flitting images of memories. I read somewhere once that every time you recall a memory your brain alters it in some way, so it's never true to the actual experience anymore. So it's all just a fantasy now. Somehow, to my storyteller self, instead of that being a depressing thought, I find that quite comforting.

I don't know if you can dance

(Lisa Hannigan, "I don't know" She used to go out with and sing with Damien Rice. It's cutesy stuff.)

The last two days have been very good. The days before that (from Saturday) were pretty good, too, except for the nightly emergence of my funk. It feels so amazing to be able to live by myself, to choose when and what I eat, to set my own schedule. I guess I got scared of that considering last year, but that really wasn't conscious solitude, it was induced by T going off and disappearing up N's bum. I love them both, but that hurt me a lot. It made me feel like I was not worth spending time with, and I expressed this to T, and she just wrote it off as something that she does when she's in a relationship, saying that people can't change. I really hate when people say that, because I believe that they can, if there's a need and/or a strong enough desire. There are plenty of examples of people changing for the worse, why not for the better? Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. The kind of solitude that I've been experiencing in the last few days is really refreshing, like what JBa (haha another J) was attempting to cultivate last year. The kind of solitude that doesn't necessarily mean isolation, just plenty of alone-time and being social when I feel like it and not when it's mandatory. The food thing probably has a large impact on all this serenity, and vice versa. I've been eating mostly when I'm hungry, and stopping when I've had enough, and it feels good. I also am eating strange-ass things that I would never dream of serving to my parents without first testing it out, and being vegan. It feels so healthy, but in the good, satisfying sense, not in the "rabbit food"/granola sense. For example, last night for dinner I had an edamame, arame, sundried tomato, and dried mushroom salad, and roasted butternut squash with rosemary and nutritional yeast. Omnomnomnom.

I went for a run yesterday in the graveyard where J and I walked and talked a long time ago... (I just checked, it'll be 2 months ago tomorrow) I always think that I'm going to hash things out when I'm running out, but usually my deep-thinking thoughts are fleeting, like little wisps of dreams that float up between the rhythm afforded by my pounding feet. I end up being more than thinking when I'm running, which is why I like it-- it's my meditation. I never was good at sitting still, anyway. At any rate, there were certainly some fond flashbacks interspersed between the paces. Fond, and sad, both of which I expected. And there was also something else, maybe a sadness that my memory is so fickle and that though it's only been a little over a week since he left I feel as if it were all a dream, as if it never really happened except in my head. (That's why I journal as much as I can-- otherwise I'd have very little recollection of anything that goes on.)

Also contributing to my improved mood is the fact that I shared my J-involved reasons for funk-ness with S, and she was wonderful about it and suggested I tell him, which I did, which of course made things better. I should know by now that communication usually clears things like this up, but I guess I usually wait until it escalates and I've done a lot more to hurt myself at that point. At any rate, it's out there now.

Yay, more planning to see people in May. It's coming up sooner than I think, which is both good and crazy scary, since that means I need to a)crack down on studying and b)sort out applications(and even institutions. Oh bugger.) *deep breath* I will not freak out.