Things I am: A Stress Blip, and Emotionally Messed Up

What's new, right? Right.

Life these days consists of: (weekday) wake up, study, eat, go to school, study, eat, study, eat, go to MCAT prep class, eat, study, sleep. Repeat. The weekend is not that much of a deviation, actually, just more disordered eating because I'm in my house more, and less structured study.

On the subject of eating: I was doing really badly when I first got back from Europe. I'm still not doing well, but I have improved. I also found out that the supposed laxatives I was taking weren't actual laxatives, which makes me feel simultaneously relieved and disappointed. I am feeling pretty good about my body notwithstanding the way I have been treating it, possibly because I know I don't really have time to remedy the maltreatment.

Study-wise: Organic Chem would be fun if I wasn't doing in the summer, specifically this summer. MCAT prep and Orgo at the same time, all condensed like this, is not conducive to avoiding burnout. Nope. Add onto this the stress of trying to figure out what schools I want to go to, how I'm going to fulfill all of the requirements of clinical experience and shadowing before I apply, etc. and I'm pretty much at my wits end. If I have any wits about me, that is.

Emotionally, I am fucked. I am so over doing anything with SJ, I am torn by not hearing from JB, and the attention-whore part of me wants to hear from CM (I don't honestly think that anything would come from it, I just would like to clarify some things.) I miss J, but wonder how I would feel if I saw him again. I got a pretty cute admission of fancying from VE, but I don't think anything is going to come from that, and if it did it would me just messing her around more than she deserves. I do that a lot. I am done with romantic love for a good while, I think. I'll stick to some good old friend-love (and no, not the kind of friend-lovin' I know I've done in the past.) I don't have time for it anyway.

Right, break over. Time to get back to studying.

kvetch, kvetch, kvetch

is all I can seem to do today. Organic chem since 8:30 (well, actually since 7, since I got up early to work on it) until 3, then a diagnostic for the MCAT from 6-10. The only good part about my day was I went for a run.

Then I stuffed my face with trail mix and have again abused the laxatives. It seems 'recovery' is not part of the picture right this moment.

The problem with me

is [my] problem with you (not the actual lyrics, adapted from the Buddy Peace remix of Her Space Holiday's 'Something to do with my hands.)

I am a stress blip.
I don't want to be back in the States, and while I don't mind doing Organic Chemistry (in fact, I'm rather enjoying it) I would like a two-second breather. Alas, that is not so, and I have to dive head-first into an 8-week intensive course while I am depressed and jet lagged.

I am very lonely right now. SJ thinks he can remedy this, but in actuality it's just a distraction. It's not something that can be cured, unless maybe I go back to the UK, and even then I know it wouldn't be remedied because a certain someone doesn't ever take what's in front of him. *sigh* If only it were possible to test.

So I've been eating more than I can possibly handle (over by more than I have been in years, and no time to exercise) and to make matters worse I've been mis-using the laxatives that I had to get on my trip to help out my digestion. I know. I know. But I'm still doing it.

The two things I need above all, besides the time to do everything I need to: sleep and love (preferably in the form of hugs. Or even just a short note.)
*sad emo face*