[the Carpenters]
I just spent several minutes writing and then erasing various things in the empty space on Twitter. So many of my tweets these days have been negative or emotional, except for my replies, and I don't think that needs to be out there in that medium. Microblogging is essentially an attention-grabbing/quick update thing, and I don't want consolation, I just want to capture a little bit of what I'm feeling.
*I'd only just begun to get to know (more than a couple of aspects of) J, and it's a strange sensation to feel so much attachment for this person that I can't honestly say that I feel I know. It makes me feel regret for not getting the chance to know him as he was, but I'm also thankful that I got to see what little of him I did, and makes me hopeful for getting to know our future selves (myself as well as him.)
I know, I'm pushing the emo-ness.
And, to push that a little bit farther (I've never been particularly restrained):
*I'm only just beginning to realize my potential-- in both good and bad ways; my potential to do awesome things, and my potential to hurt. I think I'm learning more about myself this year than I ever felt I have before. It's a scary thing.
Showing posts with label self-discovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-discovery. Show all posts
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
This is not [my] year
(more Weepies. There may be a bit of an obsession going on there.)
Actually, this isn't a downer post, despite the title. (That just happens to be the song that's in my head right this second, which is often how my blog gets titled. It's kind of like providing you with my internal soundtrack.)
I don't actually have much of a point to this post, either. (I know, you must be thinking 'does she ever?') I just felt like I wanted to blog, as a release from studying for Physics all day (test tomorrow, whoopie! I'm still going to run before class, though. If I don't know it by now and all that jazz)
Yesterday I was meant to stay home and study while my parents went to someone's house for dinner. Instead, I went out with S, because I knew that if I stayed home I'd just end up eating and eating and eating as I had been all day and getting increasingly angry/frustrated at myself. So I went to immerse myself in some Atlanta queer culture and play with my newly-discovered (possibly dangerous) toy. By which I mean my attractiveness. Seriously, I knew I was pretty, but there are some very strong reactions that I am not used to at all. In MSR some woman was making her way across the dance floor and stopped right in front of me and said "oh, wow." 'Oh, wow?', I was thinking, since when did I garner a reaction like that? I remember going to straight clubs and thinking that I wasn't turning any heads at all (maybe I've written all this before. Sometimes I lose track. Bear with me if I have.) Excuse me, I'm just a bit amazed. I always thought I was ugly growing up, or just too chubby/fat for any prepubescent boys or girls to openly fancy me, at any rate. All this is a learning experience, and I think this might help me get over how shy I am with people I fancy.
Anyway. There was one girl I danced with that I wanted to get the number of, but didn't (she might have tried to find me later like she said, but I was outside for a bit... who knows?) and then another that I danced with who I did get the number of and also some kisses. Let me just say, I really love kisses. Maybe it's my oral fixation, but it's just... a good kiss really makes or breaks a lot. (and sometimes it's not worth the training. On the other hand, sometimes it really is.) There were a couple interesting moments from the night that I wanted to note(ok, more than a couple, but these are my choices):
One was when I smiled at someone going past me in the crowd at the burlesque show. As she went behind me, she ran her hand down my spine. Oh, so sexy.
Another was more just an observation of insecurity/staking of territory-- when I was dancing with SJ for the song he requested, Sy (no last name to make reference by initials, so this will have the suffice for the moment.) hovered around (not dancing), and then as the song seemed to end, swooped in to grab me from SJ. Kind of cute, kind of sad, and kind of creepy all at once. Made me feel a little like a commodity, which I most certainly did not like. I'm not sure the attention I got paid quite made up for that, either. I guess I should talk to Sy about not wanting to date seriously at the moment.
The last thing I wanted to note was when I was dancing with SJ he put his hand on my hips and pulled my belt loop toward him so I would be dancing on him, which I liked rather a lot. Maybe I was just majorly turned on by that point, but the fact remains that I found it rather sexy.
Oh, and one last thing-- of the people that approached me/ danced with me, they were smart. B, the girl I didn't get the number of, is studying for the MCAT too (to take it in July), and Sy is a math teacher. How refreshing, after meeting thick people on the pull at other times. (Now that I really think about it, though, how many times have I honestly been on the pull? Not all that many times. I have spent some time with people with not all that much up top, I must say-- predominantly, TG comes to mind.)
Of all of this, I want to try to remember that I am in control. I'm not going to string anyone along, and I'm not in a place to play games.
(Shit. And I should go over these equations one last time before beddy-byes.)
Actually, this isn't a downer post, despite the title. (That just happens to be the song that's in my head right this second, which is often how my blog gets titled. It's kind of like providing you with my internal soundtrack.)
I don't actually have much of a point to this post, either. (I know, you must be thinking 'does she ever?') I just felt like I wanted to blog, as a release from studying for Physics all day (test tomorrow, whoopie! I'm still going to run before class, though. If I don't know it by now and all that jazz)
Yesterday I was meant to stay home and study while my parents went to someone's house for dinner. Instead, I went out with S, because I knew that if I stayed home I'd just end up eating and eating and eating as I had been all day and getting increasingly angry/frustrated at myself. So I went to immerse myself in some Atlanta queer culture and play with my newly-discovered (possibly dangerous) toy. By which I mean my attractiveness. Seriously, I knew I was pretty, but there are some very strong reactions that I am not used to at all. In MSR some woman was making her way across the dance floor and stopped right in front of me and said "oh, wow." 'Oh, wow?', I was thinking, since when did I garner a reaction like that? I remember going to straight clubs and thinking that I wasn't turning any heads at all (maybe I've written all this before. Sometimes I lose track. Bear with me if I have.) Excuse me, I'm just a bit amazed. I always thought I was ugly growing up, or just too chubby/fat for any prepubescent boys or girls to openly fancy me, at any rate. All this is a learning experience, and I think this might help me get over how shy I am with people I fancy.
Anyway. There was one girl I danced with that I wanted to get the number of, but didn't (she might have tried to find me later like she said, but I was outside for a bit... who knows?) and then another that I danced with who I did get the number of and also some kisses. Let me just say, I really love kisses. Maybe it's my oral fixation, but it's just... a good kiss really makes or breaks a lot. (and sometimes it's not worth the training. On the other hand, sometimes it really is.) There were a couple interesting moments from the night that I wanted to note(ok, more than a couple, but these are my choices):
One was when I smiled at someone going past me in the crowd at the burlesque show. As she went behind me, she ran her hand down my spine. Oh, so sexy.
Another was more just an observation of insecurity/staking of territory-- when I was dancing with SJ for the song he requested, Sy (no last name to make reference by initials, so this will have the suffice for the moment.) hovered around (not dancing), and then as the song seemed to end, swooped in to grab me from SJ. Kind of cute, kind of sad, and kind of creepy all at once. Made me feel a little like a commodity, which I most certainly did not like. I'm not sure the attention I got paid quite made up for that, either. I guess I should talk to Sy about not wanting to date seriously at the moment.
The last thing I wanted to note was when I was dancing with SJ he put his hand on my hips and pulled my belt loop toward him so I would be dancing on him, which I liked rather a lot. Maybe I was just majorly turned on by that point, but the fact remains that I found it rather sexy.
Oh, and one last thing-- of the people that approached me/ danced with me, they were smart. B, the girl I didn't get the number of, is studying for the MCAT too (to take it in July), and Sy is a math teacher. How refreshing, after meeting thick people on the pull at other times. (Now that I really think about it, though, how many times have I honestly been on the pull? Not all that many times. I have spent some time with people with not all that much up top, I must say-- predominantly, TG comes to mind.)
Of all of this, I want to try to remember that I am in control. I'm not going to string anyone along, and I'm not in a place to play games.
(Shit. And I should go over these equations one last time before beddy-byes.)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
You're not a baby if you feel the world
(The Blow)
Yesterday I was utterly unproductive, and was getting increasingly angry at myself for it (as well as pissed off and upset about pretty much anything that presented itself to me) so I went for a run. It was good, as per usual, and I felt an odd ability to disconnect myself from my music and think, which sometimes I have a lot of difficulty doing (if the music doesn't fit with my mood, especially.) At one point, I felt such a huge surge of emotion that I started crying, whilst running. Then, a few minutes (or was it seconds?) passed and I was laughing at some thing or another. That's one amazing thing about weaning off of my meds-- I feel such a large range of emotion, it's like waking up after years of being asleep. I have also wondered in the past whether my ability to come has been affected by weaning off of meds. I know it's definitely different than when I was on the birth control that killed my libido, and I know I felt more when I went off the second med that psychiatrist had me on (oh man. At the time I stayed with him because he was helping some aspects, but he blatantly ignored that I might have an eating disorder just because I seemed to be a healthy weight. What a fuckwad. Story of my relationships that I stayed with him, I suppose.) [On a related note, I'm going to try skipping nights with my meds, since I can't break the 1/4 any more.]
Anyways, after said run, I found a missed call and a text, the latter inviting me to a queer party, which I heartily accepted the invitation. I figured, if I was going to be unproductive, I may as well have fun doing it. So I went, and had a somewhat bizarre time. S had mentioned a long time ago about how she thought the queer scene here would love me, but I never really took it seriously. Yesterday, though, I got so much attention. I'm an attention-whore, and I know it, but I really didn't know what to do with it. That's a whole lot more potential power than I'm used to wielding (at least, in a group setting) and I felt very and extremely naive. I got my shoelaces tied together, I got my hair played with (and tugged), I got snuggles, I got comments that I was cute from people that apparently only usually notice bois, offers of cooking... for someone who is somewhat shy in new situations, I was a little overwhelmed, to put it simply. But I had a wonderful time. It makes me think of when I was much younger and MS was speculating about how I need to be careful when I discover how pretty I am, because I could do some dangerous things to myself if I didn't know how to wield it. And I don't know how to wield it, because-- as silly as it sounds and as often as people tell me-- I sometimes have a hard time discovering it. (It should be noted that at other times I do know it, and strut around like a right old prick.) It was a very interesting experience. I'd like to learn how to react a little better, I think I was just a little amazed and taken aback at the time.
Today was not a huge amount more productive, but I did get my chem lab done (at 6:10. I had been "working" on it since 12.) In between "working" I was thinking about the economy and brainstorming little ways that I could help, at least my family:
*go through my stuff, pick things that I need and get rid of the rest (either selling, charity, or re-using in a different way)
*volunteer (at Grady-- which I have an interview for tomorrow. eek!-- and/or at foodbanks)
*wearing more layers and turning the heat down (so glad spring is coming)
*not buying more music
(the next two are kind of embarrassing and ED related, but:)
*fit into my clothes so that I don't have to buy more
*eat only what is necessary so that we don't have to buy as much
*be healthy so that we don't have to pay medical/dental/whatever bills
*turning off my computer so that I don't use as much electricity
and
*not being afraid to cook, so that we can use some of the resources of our cupboards (we always joked that they were stocked for an apocalypse)
also, I was reading a Psychology Today article that said that there were three practices that would help deal with the stress of economic crisis: deep breathing, light exercise, and listening to music. Sounds like a good idea to me :)
Yesterday I was utterly unproductive, and was getting increasingly angry at myself for it (as well as pissed off and upset about pretty much anything that presented itself to me) so I went for a run. It was good, as per usual, and I felt an odd ability to disconnect myself from my music and think, which sometimes I have a lot of difficulty doing (if the music doesn't fit with my mood, especially.) At one point, I felt such a huge surge of emotion that I started crying, whilst running. Then, a few minutes (or was it seconds?) passed and I was laughing at some thing or another. That's one amazing thing about weaning off of my meds-- I feel such a large range of emotion, it's like waking up after years of being asleep. I have also wondered in the past whether my ability to come has been affected by weaning off of meds. I know it's definitely different than when I was on the birth control that killed my libido, and I know I felt more when I went off the second med that psychiatrist had me on (oh man. At the time I stayed with him because he was helping some aspects, but he blatantly ignored that I might have an eating disorder just because I seemed to be a healthy weight. What a fuckwad. Story of my relationships that I stayed with him, I suppose.) [On a related note, I'm going to try skipping nights with my meds, since I can't break the 1/4 any more.]
Anyways, after said run, I found a missed call and a text, the latter inviting me to a queer party, which I heartily accepted the invitation. I figured, if I was going to be unproductive, I may as well have fun doing it. So I went, and had a somewhat bizarre time. S had mentioned a long time ago about how she thought the queer scene here would love me, but I never really took it seriously. Yesterday, though, I got so much attention. I'm an attention-whore, and I know it, but I really didn't know what to do with it. That's a whole lot more potential power than I'm used to wielding (at least, in a group setting) and I felt very and extremely naive. I got my shoelaces tied together, I got my hair played with (and tugged), I got snuggles, I got comments that I was cute from people that apparently only usually notice bois, offers of cooking... for someone who is somewhat shy in new situations, I was a little overwhelmed, to put it simply. But I had a wonderful time. It makes me think of when I was much younger and MS was speculating about how I need to be careful when I discover how pretty I am, because I could do some dangerous things to myself if I didn't know how to wield it. And I don't know how to wield it, because-- as silly as it sounds and as often as people tell me-- I sometimes have a hard time discovering it. (It should be noted that at other times I do know it, and strut around like a right old prick.) It was a very interesting experience. I'd like to learn how to react a little better, I think I was just a little amazed and taken aback at the time.
Today was not a huge amount more productive, but I did get my chem lab done (at 6:10. I had been "working" on it since 12.) In between "working" I was thinking about the economy and brainstorming little ways that I could help, at least my family:
*go through my stuff, pick things that I need and get rid of the rest (either selling, charity, or re-using in a different way)
*volunteer (at Grady-- which I have an interview for tomorrow. eek!-- and/or at foodbanks)
*wearing more layers and turning the heat down (so glad spring is coming)
*not buying more music
(the next two are kind of embarrassing and ED related, but:)
*fit into my clothes so that I don't have to buy more
*eat only what is necessary so that we don't have to buy as much
*be healthy so that we don't have to pay medical/dental/whatever bills
*turning off my computer so that I don't use as much electricity
and
*not being afraid to cook, so that we can use some of the resources of our cupboards (we always joked that they were stocked for an apocalypse)
also, I was reading a Psychology Today article that said that there were three practices that would help deal with the stress of economic crisis: deep breathing, light exercise, and listening to music. Sounds like a good idea to me :)
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