[I've] only just begun...

[the Carpenters]
I just spent several minutes writing and then erasing various things in the empty space on Twitter. So many of my tweets these days have been negative or emotional, except for my replies, and I don't think that needs to be out there in that medium. Microblogging is essentially an attention-grabbing/quick update thing, and I don't want consolation, I just want to capture a little bit of what I'm feeling.

*I'd only just begun to get to know (more than a couple of aspects of) J, and it's a strange sensation to feel so much attachment for this person that I can't honestly say that I feel I know. It makes me feel regret for not getting the chance to know him as he was, but I'm also thankful that I got to see what little of him I did, and makes me hopeful for getting to know our future selves (myself as well as him.)

I know, I'm pushing the emo-ness.

And, to push that a little bit farther (I've never been particularly restrained):
*I'm only just beginning to realize my potential-- in both good and bad ways; my potential to do awesome things, and my potential to hurt. I think I'm learning more about myself this year than I ever felt I have before. It's a scary thing.

This takes the cake

I have much I could say. But for right now, I just want to direct your attention to this beautiful post: http://dorothysurrenders.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-weekend-crush_17.html

How do I convince myself?

I feel horrible right now. I feel tired, unmotivated, dehydrated, and fat fat fat. I know, fat is not a bad thing. But right now, in my brain, I can concentrate on nothing but the bulges of my body and how my clothes don't fit right and how I had a double chin in a picture that my brother's wife took the other night. I haven't been this big in years, and it's really getting me down. I keep wanting to revert, to give in and start counting calories again, if only just until I've lost weight again. At very least, I would like to fit my clothes properly. I don't have money or desire for a new wardrobe.
I know it doesn't make sense. I know there's nothing wrong with fat. I know that I think that certain people in my life are fat and I love them think they are beautiful and I love that they're positive about it. But when it comes to my body, even at my skinniest I felt like I had fat, jiggly, cellulite-pocked thighs. I used to dislike being fucked in ways that made my back fat crease (or, as some would say, my skin.) And now, now when I am (or I feel I am, I don't actually know) as big as I was before I reached my goal weight in second year of uni, I have a hard time reconciling myself with it. Fat is what I blamed all of my problems on in middle school and high school, why I stayed in a relationship that I probably should have gotten out of, why I felt the need to slut myself out to people that I wasn't really attracted to at all. Fat has been blamed for rather a lot in my life, and it doesn't help to have so many people around me buying into the shit that I hate but subscribe to as well. How was I supposed to feel like I was enough for JF when I was fat/chubby when his comments about how hot I was increased a thousandfold when I lost weight? (It should be said that he said that I was enough, but I think you can see the disparity in the pattern, or maybe that was just me being overly sensitive to that sort of thing.) How is anyone supposed to feel like they're enough, in this bloody society where putting yourself down has become a spectator sport? I honestly and truly hate that I feel this way about myself. I want to love my fat. I want to be able to feel like I can be whatever and I will be loved no matter what, but there's something in the way, and I don't know what it is. But in the end, hating any part of myself, whether it's the horrible impulse to restrict (and hate) myself or not, is not conducive to actually getting better and being able to accept myself for what I am.
I need my Sark book back from SC. And possibly to borrow some books from S. And to read Osho. But instead? I have to study for bio, because otherwise I'm going to get another B on my test and I can't have that. Do you think I'm much of a perfectionist? Fuck.

Some new-age wisdom

I got this off of Heather Corinna (http://femmerotic.com/journal/) and it touches on a lot of stuff I've been contemplating of late:

"There is a Tibetan teaching that is often translated as, “Self-cherishing is the root of all suffering.” It can be hard for a Western person to hear the term “self-cherishing” without misunderstanding what is being said. I would guess that 85% of us Westerners would interpret it as telling us that we shouldn’t care for ourselves—that there is something anti-wakeful about respecting ourselves. But that isn’t what it really means. What it is talking about is fixating. “Self-cherishing” refers to how we try to protect ourselves by fixating; how we put up walls so that we won’t have to feel discomfort or lack of resolution. That notion of self-cherishing refers to the erroneous belief that there could be only comfort and no discomfort, or the belief that there could be only happiness and no sadness, or the belief that there could be just good and no bad.

But what the Buddhist teachings point out is that we could take a much bigger perspective, one that is beyond good and evil. Classifications of good and bad come from lack of maitri. We say that something is good if it makes us feel secure and it’s bad if it makes us feel insecure. That way we get into hating people who make us feel insecure and hating all kinds of religions or nationalities that make us feel insecure. And we like those who give us ground under our feet.

When we are so involved with trying to protect ourselves, we are unable to see the pain in another person’s face. “Self-cherishing” is ego fixating and grasping: it ties our hearts, our shoulders, our head, our stomach, into knots. We can’t open. Everything is in a knot. When we begin to open we can see others and we can be there for them. But to the degree that we haven’t worked with our own fear, we are going to shut down when others trigger our fear.

So to know yourself is to forget yourself. This is to say that when we make friends with ourselves we no longer have to be so self-involved. It’s a curious twist: making friends with ourselves is a way of not being so self-involved anymore. Then Dogen Zen-ji goes on to say, “To forget yourself is to become enlightened by all things.” When we are not so self-involved, we begin to realize that the world is speaking to us all of the time. Every plant, every tree, every animal, every person, every car, every airplane is speaking to us, teaching us, awakening us. It’s a wonderful world, but we often miss it." --Pema Chodron

It's also closely related to the Osho I've been reading-- he's talking about something different (happiness vs. pleasure), but it boils down to the same essentials:

"If you are strong, then you are ready to fight. If you are weak, then you are ready to fly, to take flight. But in neither case are you becoming stronger. In both cases the other has become the center of your mind. These are the two attitudes, fight or flight, and both are wrong because through both the mind is strengthened.

Patanjali says there is a third possibility: Don't fight and don't escape, just be alert. Just be conscious. Whatsoever is the case, just be a witness. Conscious effort means, one, searching for the inner source of happiness and, two, witnessing the old pattern of habits. Not fighting it, just witnessing it."

It may seem like these really aren't all that related, but they both come down to what Osho calls cessation of mind, and Pema Chodron calls becoming friends with yourself. To giving up the fight in order to win it. This has a lot to do with many things in my life, from my tendency to want to run away from responsibility(moving from England to WA to Atlanta and possibly back again?), the ways I try to deal with my eating disorder (alternately fighting and fleeing), relationships, the way I communicate... the more I read things like this the more I get sucked in by this promise of calm, of balance.

I must admit when I first started reading things on the same sort of wavelength (the Alchemist, Siddhartha, Osho, the Tao te Ching, etc.) I was more than a little skeptical. But then, despite my doubts, something resonates with me and I feel like they're bringing me back to the resources of my own soul. Which is what I need, and what I want: it always has been my goal to be independent. (I don't mean fiscally.) Reading these has made me realize that I don't need to be isolated to be independent.

-----------------------------

Ok, "deep" stuff aside, I've been making some plans with some of my friends for my visit to England in May, and I am so excited. I get so hyper about it that I will literally scream and clap my hands. Yes, I am a big kid. Yes, I love it.

to the max

This evening I find myself, yet again, full far past the point of satiety. I am having a really hard time of it, the past few days, and I can't exercise to compensate for the excess because of my toe and because of the time constraints that school creates. Also, I feel like I need to not try and compensate, because I need to learn how to eat what my body needs, when it needs it. I don't want to restrict myself, since I know that will only make me binge more, and I'm not going to create a plan, since that's really just a form of restriction.

Really, what I need to do is accept myself. The way I am. I am a healthy weight, and even if I put on a few pounds I am still healthy. What would putting on weight do to me that I fear so much? I've been there, what effect did it have? I felt less attractive. Not really a problem right now, I feel attractive and if others see that diminished with extra chub, then they don't deserve my attention. I felt like I couldn't do as much physically-- well, right now I feel that way anyway, because of my toe. Beyond those two, I can't really think of much else. So I have nothing to be afraid of, except maybe not fitting all of my clothes (which, if you know me, might be a cause of fear, since I do love my costuming) but that would just mean I'd have to get a little more creative. So there: I have nothing to fear by gaining weight.

It doesn't help this uncomfortable feeling to come to that realization, though.