Like a real life teddy bear... with a brain

{Q, whilst we were discussing what animal Dr.W should be-- we settled on an Ewok, even though [or maybe because] it's a fictitious creature, because nothing else seemed equally friendly, smart, and cute.}

Today in the computer room (where so much "studying" goes on-- read: gossip and sharing of hilarious youtube videos), the subject of Seth Rogen came up. I, being the entertainment black hole that I am (ie. I know nothing), did not know that he had lost a bunch of weight. Neither, it seems, did M, so we both looked up pictures to see what Q and JP were talking about. They said something about him looking 'almost too skinny' (whatever the hell that means.) Think about this: a few weeks ago, the same people were talking about Eliza Dushku as though she could have stood to lose those 10 pounds or so she allegedly dropped for Dollhouse to look "smoking". Does this not strike anyone else as a bit of a doozy? It's well known that society perceives it to be perfectly all right to be male and overweight (successful, etc.), and when he loses weight (for the Green Hornet movie he's going to make) it's not very long before there's talk of him getting close to being 'too skinny' and that he looked better with some chub. (NB: there are also plenty of other responses saying that he 'looks great now' and even that he could stand to lose a few more.) But overall? He lost a lot of weight, yes, but he's nowhere near the emaciation that is considered standard or even chubby for a woman in the same business. Tina Fey also lost a shitload of weight before she became a big hooha. Now excuse me, but that fucks me off. I really don't get this fetishistic idolization of skeletal, pre-pubescent women. I don't even get it in the depths of my eating disorder-- I never wanted to be like that, I always wanted to be strong and healthy; my body type is just such that the weight that I was aiming for to be that was also to the point on scarily skinny. I have a large frame (on occasion I will jokingly call it Amazonian) and so I will never be a size 0 or even a size 6. But you know what? I am sick of feeling like I need to squeeze into whatever size society deems "acceptable" to be categorized as thin. I am life-sized.

How do I convince myself?

I feel horrible right now. I feel tired, unmotivated, dehydrated, and fat fat fat. I know, fat is not a bad thing. But right now, in my brain, I can concentrate on nothing but the bulges of my body and how my clothes don't fit right and how I had a double chin in a picture that my brother's wife took the other night. I haven't been this big in years, and it's really getting me down. I keep wanting to revert, to give in and start counting calories again, if only just until I've lost weight again. At very least, I would like to fit my clothes properly. I don't have money or desire for a new wardrobe.
I know it doesn't make sense. I know there's nothing wrong with fat. I know that I think that certain people in my life are fat and I love them think they are beautiful and I love that they're positive about it. But when it comes to my body, even at my skinniest I felt like I had fat, jiggly, cellulite-pocked thighs. I used to dislike being fucked in ways that made my back fat crease (or, as some would say, my skin.) And now, now when I am (or I feel I am, I don't actually know) as big as I was before I reached my goal weight in second year of uni, I have a hard time reconciling myself with it. Fat is what I blamed all of my problems on in middle school and high school, why I stayed in a relationship that I probably should have gotten out of, why I felt the need to slut myself out to people that I wasn't really attracted to at all. Fat has been blamed for rather a lot in my life, and it doesn't help to have so many people around me buying into the shit that I hate but subscribe to as well. How was I supposed to feel like I was enough for JF when I was fat/chubby when his comments about how hot I was increased a thousandfold when I lost weight? (It should be said that he said that I was enough, but I think you can see the disparity in the pattern, or maybe that was just me being overly sensitive to that sort of thing.) How is anyone supposed to feel like they're enough, in this bloody society where putting yourself down has become a spectator sport? I honestly and truly hate that I feel this way about myself. I want to love my fat. I want to be able to feel like I can be whatever and I will be loved no matter what, but there's something in the way, and I don't know what it is. But in the end, hating any part of myself, whether it's the horrible impulse to restrict (and hate) myself or not, is not conducive to actually getting better and being able to accept myself for what I am.
I need my Sark book back from SC. And possibly to borrow some books from S. And to read Osho. But instead? I have to study for bio, because otherwise I'm going to get another B on my test and I can't have that. Do you think I'm much of a perfectionist? Fuck.