Today someone was talking about Amy Winehouse and how she might potentially be sorting herself out because she gave her parents control over her money (or something along those lines. Basically so she can't spend it all on drugs.) The person talking then went on to say that she's never really going to be clean until she learns why she's numbing herself and deals with that.
That's what I'm doing, I'm numbing myself. Why? I'm jealous of the other people included on his adventures, I'm afraid of falling (but who can help that?), and I feel like I'm feeling more for him than he does for me. Wallow, wallow, wallow, I know. This is how I feel. Almost all of today I have been down-- some of it has to do with caffeine crash after yesterday's shenanigans, mixed up with a helping of self-hatred and guilt, but a large part of it is because I know that I don't mean all that much to him, and there's nothing I can do about it. Even just hearing from him for a little bit cheered me up, and then I remembered that he spent last night with some other chick (who I have no hatred against-- in fact, I'm fairly certain she's awesome) and that he's leaving all too soon.
To be entirely honest, I don't know how I'm going to react.
Oh, and another thing: none of this seems real. Any time I leave, the memories fade like the ephemeral nature of dreams-- if I don't write it down, I won't remember it. If I write it down, it's corrupted, edited, changed in a way that I can't reverse. What's the better way to deal? Forget, and lament the passing of my memory as well as whatever this is? Or cling to whatever image of the past I can, fallible as my written accounts are? Isn't it healthier to just move on? Maybe I should attempt to begin this "moving on" process before he goes? Or maybe that will just end up being the same old pushing techniques I demonstrated with J and A and so many others. This is ridiculous. I am ridiculous. I need to live. And if I'm hurting, then I am, and I'll experience it fully.
Go on, hit me where it hurts most.
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