Like a real life teddy bear... with a brain

{Q, whilst we were discussing what animal Dr.W should be-- we settled on an Ewok, even though [or maybe because] it's a fictitious creature, because nothing else seemed equally friendly, smart, and cute.}

Today in the computer room (where so much "studying" goes on-- read: gossip and sharing of hilarious youtube videos), the subject of Seth Rogen came up. I, being the entertainment black hole that I am (ie. I know nothing), did not know that he had lost a bunch of weight. Neither, it seems, did M, so we both looked up pictures to see what Q and JP were talking about. They said something about him looking 'almost too skinny' (whatever the hell that means.) Think about this: a few weeks ago, the same people were talking about Eliza Dushku as though she could have stood to lose those 10 pounds or so she allegedly dropped for Dollhouse to look "smoking". Does this not strike anyone else as a bit of a doozy? It's well known that society perceives it to be perfectly all right to be male and overweight (successful, etc.), and when he loses weight (for the Green Hornet movie he's going to make) it's not very long before there's talk of him getting close to being 'too skinny' and that he looked better with some chub. (NB: there are also plenty of other responses saying that he 'looks great now' and even that he could stand to lose a few more.) But overall? He lost a lot of weight, yes, but he's nowhere near the emaciation that is considered standard or even chubby for a woman in the same business. Tina Fey also lost a shitload of weight before she became a big hooha. Now excuse me, but that fucks me off. I really don't get this fetishistic idolization of skeletal, pre-pubescent women. I don't even get it in the depths of my eating disorder-- I never wanted to be like that, I always wanted to be strong and healthy; my body type is just such that the weight that I was aiming for to be that was also to the point on scarily skinny. I have a large frame (on occasion I will jokingly call it Amazonian) and so I will never be a size 0 or even a size 6. But you know what? I am sick of feeling like I need to squeeze into whatever size society deems "acceptable" to be categorized as thin. I am life-sized.

I wouldn't mind me some exorcism

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/adventure/0603/features/peru.html

I would like nothing more than to be able to purge myself of my demons, my self-hatred, my hang-ups, whatever this is that is holding me back from fully realizing myself. I wouldn't mind taking some dimethyltriptamine and vomiting all over the place-- it would only be a couple of times, rather than the years of other chemicals with almost as questionable side-effects afforded by conventional anti-depressants. Things that pop up in my head as soon as I start thinking about it: a)too much money: it's not like I can afford that and to pay for MCAT prep and med schools and plane tickets, etc.; b)(this one's embarrassing)maybe I'd lose weight; c)When do I have the time?; d)If I went, would I still want to go to med school? Would it matter, if I'd reached that point? Could I learn anything about it if I pursued integrative medicine? What if, along with the guy at UCLA who's doing research about Ayahuasca, I could help introduce this type of thing to people who could really use it, people who can't journey to Peru and spend X amount of money on trying to find themselves as I am potentially allowed because of the relative affluence I was born into? That, for me, is the biggest thing. If I could find myself and stay myself (for I do think that I have glimpses of myself in everyday life, but sometimes lose myself in my obsessions of eating and school and attentions) I would be able to help others find themselves, and that would be amazing. That is what I want to do, why I'm interested in psychiatry in the first place. I've always been interested in integrating different types of therapy into Western cognitive therapy anyway, why not investigate and see what I think this has to offer? It's worth contemplation, at least.

[I have more personal stuff to post, but later. It's 3:30am and I woke up with other stuff on my mind, but I want to process it more before I blog it.]