Things I am: A Stress Blip, and Emotionally Messed Up

What's new, right? Right.

Life these days consists of: (weekday) wake up, study, eat, go to school, study, eat, study, eat, go to MCAT prep class, eat, study, sleep. Repeat. The weekend is not that much of a deviation, actually, just more disordered eating because I'm in my house more, and less structured study.

On the subject of eating: I was doing really badly when I first got back from Europe. I'm still not doing well, but I have improved. I also found out that the supposed laxatives I was taking weren't actual laxatives, which makes me feel simultaneously relieved and disappointed. I am feeling pretty good about my body notwithstanding the way I have been treating it, possibly because I know I don't really have time to remedy the maltreatment.

Study-wise: Organic Chem would be fun if I wasn't doing in the summer, specifically this summer. MCAT prep and Orgo at the same time, all condensed like this, is not conducive to avoiding burnout. Nope. Add onto this the stress of trying to figure out what schools I want to go to, how I'm going to fulfill all of the requirements of clinical experience and shadowing before I apply, etc. and I'm pretty much at my wits end. If I have any wits about me, that is.

Emotionally, I am fucked. I am so over doing anything with SJ, I am torn by not hearing from JB, and the attention-whore part of me wants to hear from CM (I don't honestly think that anything would come from it, I just would like to clarify some things.) I miss J, but wonder how I would feel if I saw him again. I got a pretty cute admission of fancying from VE, but I don't think anything is going to come from that, and if it did it would me just messing her around more than she deserves. I do that a lot. I am done with romantic love for a good while, I think. I'll stick to some good old friend-love (and no, not the kind of friend-lovin' I know I've done in the past.) I don't have time for it anyway.

Right, break over. Time to get back to studying.

kvetch, kvetch, kvetch

is all I can seem to do today. Organic chem since 8:30 (well, actually since 7, since I got up early to work on it) until 3, then a diagnostic for the MCAT from 6-10. The only good part about my day was I went for a run.

Then I stuffed my face with trail mix and have again abused the laxatives. It seems 'recovery' is not part of the picture right this moment.

I'm late, I'm late!

for a very important date? No. Just generally feeling rushed and stretched and stressed. Thus the lack of posting: no time. However, there is always room for linkage.
http://whenorif.wordpress.com/
I think I have a bit of 'the Crazy', too

Decisions

Tomorrow will be the marker of 2 weeks since I started trying to wean off of my meds. As much as I hate being on them, I feel really horrible without them, and if I really want to get into med school, I need to be able to focus. The whole physics test debacle is just a testament to it (not a fail, and not even as bad as my worst test last term.) I would have just attributed that to being distracted with J, but then my bio test grade convinced me that I really need to get my butt in gear, and coming off my drugs in the middle of everything may not be the best idea. (OK, so the bio grade was only a B, but I've always made an A on every bio test previous to this. I don't want to mar that.) So tomorrow I'm hunkering down for some seriously scary study time, so I can take my (take-home) Chem test on Saturday morning, and possibly enjoy some of my hard-earned weekend.

Also, I quit behavioral endocrinology (which I was only auditing anyway) because I just can't deal with the workload, and I'd learn more from just reading the book on my own time than attempting to kill myself for the class. I'm just not into that. Oh, not to mention the 6 group presentations we were supposed to give. I did one, and messed up, and that was more than enough.

On a similar note (at least, in my head) someone was talking to me about how I'm doing well in speaking French to her and she thinks that I have the vocabulary, there's just something holding me back. Then, later on, I was thinking about the time in high school when I auditioned to sing Christina Aguilara's Beautiful (okok, but I have self-image issues so it pertains to me, and the two guys making out in the video is hot.) Anyway, I was supposed to improvise a solo at one point, and I just. could. not. do. it. Nothing. Maybe a squeak, and then a sheepish look. Needless to say, I didn't get to sing it (aside from in the shower/otherwise not in public, of course.) So that just made me wonder about my shyness, and how people are surprised when I say I'm shy (probably on account of my hair color and flamboyant dress sense.) What is it that I'm afraid of? In French, if I go wrong, I can get corrected-- it's not the end of the world if I say something wrong (I do it in English from time to time, and that's my native tongue!) As concerns singing in front of people, granted they could say I'm horrible, but is that really all that scary, when it comes down to it? If I'm having fun, who gives a rat's arse?

And now for something completely different
(number one, the larch*)
*Monty Python, people!

I haven't called Ju back, because... well, because I've pretty much forgotten about him. I still have his books, so I'm going to have to see him at some point. I'm too preoccupied with J (notice the distinction, however slight.) Whenever I get a bit of free time off, I want to spend it with J, not Ju. Ju was a bit of fun that provides fun conversation and plays similar word games that I do... but he give sloppy kisses and just... well, it just doesn't fit.

(Conversely, that's how it feels with J; it fits, it feels right.)
I don't even know if it's really just my tendency to be monogamous-- since I still am flirting with A every once in a while... though far less frequently, because I'm more focused on J who is here, rather A who is in TX. Maybe it's a function of my obsessive personality, who knows.

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Sleepy time for the girl who hopes to get her Chem test done early in the weekend, but still be prepared enough to get an A (asking too much, maybe?).