There is much in my life I am not blogging about at the moment, but this has been niggling me as a potential topic for quite a while now, and I need to address it before I head off to England and forget all about anything I was meaning to do.
So there's this interesting dynamic, this strange shift, that I have to make when I leave my house for SJ's or any interaction with SJ. SJ and I have a Daddy-grrrl thing going on, which is an entirely new direction in my life (not just sex life) that has some interesting elements to it all on its own. But then, add in the fact that I live with my parents, and still call my father 'Daddy'. At first, I had a hard time with calling SJ 'Daddy', for exactly that reason. The incestuous implications of it were just a little too much to handle upon first contemplation.
Oh, and my mother used to call me 'girl' when she was angry at me/I was in trouble. I hated it. I would always scream back, "don't call me 'girl!'" and she would say, "what should I call you, 'boy'?" I don't remember what I replied, but it should have been asking her to call me by my name. It's worth noting that both of my brothers got called by their full names (polysyllabic first names, along with their middle names and our long-ass last name), while I just got called a monosyllabic label. I'm not sure if I realized that at the time, or if that was the reason I objected to it so strongly. Maybe I had/have a bit more of genderfuck in me than I sometimes present :P
Both of those facts made the beginnings of my ventures into actual submissiveness (I mean under an actual top, not just softcore) a little challenging on more than just the usual attempts to tame my sassy/snarky comments. Now, though, I have managed to disconnect these associations, so I can easily go from calling SJ 'Daddy' to saying hello to my father when I come home, with relatively little awkwardness. The 'grrrl' thing bothers me less, as long as I know it's 'grrrl' and not 'girl'. When I first got a text from SJ calling me 'my grrrl', I misread it as 'my girl' and immediately refused to reply, because I don't want to be possessed or owned. I am nobody's girl but my own. I do like giving myself up for a while, but no one can claim full ownership of me, which is a fact that I very much like.
That being said, I know that for all SJ wants me to feel free (he mentioned something about when I went to England, and whether I was going on a 'sex tour') he also makes it pretty clear in the way he acts that he'd probably be hurt by it on some level-- not that I know this for sure, but I'd like to think of myself as being pretty good at reading people, especially people I've spent some time with. I have had some moments where I feel kind of bad, because I am not as into him as he is into me... but then, when I go see him I get to be taken out of my comfort zone, experience these new things that are helping me learn about myself in a way that grounds me. So, as selfish as those reasons sound, I go back. [NB: me not liking him as much as he likes me does not mean I don't like him-- he is always saying how much he adores me and has even used the l word (no, not the bloody TV show)] With all the shit that I have to deal with in between schoolwork and applications to med schools and the (metaphorical) self-flagellation that I put myself through on a constant basis, I need someone to do the (physical) flagellation for me, and hold me afterwards (my personal aftercare is somewhat shabby-- or non-existent :P )
So I'm selfish. Aren't we all? Besides, I'm not just taking.
No comments:
Post a Comment