talk about love or talk about dishwasher tablets

[Fever Ray, 'Seven']

This is the first day I've had off in ages. Well, by off I mean I took a final exam in Organic Chemistry first. Then I met S and got to play with a puppy and see CG (all three= very cute), which was so much fun. S grounds me so much. Perfect start.

Then, I rushed back to my house to be picked up by GZ. I met GZ on Monday when I went swimming at the Y-- he's a lifeguard. As soon as I walked into the pool room I could see he was attracted to me. As I was swimming (head out of the pool, not concerned with speed) he asked me if I wanted some goggles, and then proceeded to give me a swim lesson. By the end of the time I was there I was much faster, and then he asked for my number. So today we were on a seven hour date (this seems to be a common theme. I do very long dates-- this used to happen with Ju, too.) Teavana (yum. love tea.) then Farmer's market for food (also yum) and then walking around Decatur and the graveyard (making out where J and I never did) and talking. It was pretty cool. He's awesome, but I have a few reservations already. I'm not going to judge him on them yet, though. a) He's a little young. I know, it's just a number. b) Some of the things he says seems like they are edited so I'll like him more-- this is part of the reason a) is an issue, actually, because I feel like that's more of an immature/unsure who you are-type thing to do. c) He doesn't seem like he'd be able to deal with all of the aspects of me-- I mentioned the queerness, and he seemed ok with it, but not entirely comfortable... I'll probe that a bit more. I suppose as a straight cis male hearing that from someone you want to date is a little confusing, so I give him props for handling as he did. He also handled my mentioning of my ED very well. (I don't usually spring these things on first dates, but it was 7 hours long. After a couple of hours it amounts to the second or third dates of "normal length".) We have plans to go night-swimming at a private pool he used to look after, but not definite as to when.

Speaking of plans, I have plans with S and CG for the 4th! Possibly the most exciting week in a while.

Speaking of exciting, today is the third day that I have honest-to-goodness been eating healthily-- by which I mean eating when I am hungry, and just enough. And it feels amazing. I feel like I am in a really good place. The only thing is both Monday night and tonight I had to go back and eat more dinner after I'd eaten with my family, because I felt light-headed and/or cranky and knew that I was way under 1100 kcals. [I really do not want to starve myself. No.] Tomorrow (or Friday, maybe) my brother is coming over for his birthday dinner and there will be peach cobbler, but I don't feel that worried about it. I feel so good about it. Go me!

Now all I need to do is talk to the cute guy in my program, ace semester 2 of organic chem, and ace the MCAT. Piece of cake, right? Life does seem a little more manageable today.

Woah. Major league exhaustion. Bed is a good idea.

Decisions

Tomorrow will be the marker of 2 weeks since I started trying to wean off of my meds. As much as I hate being on them, I feel really horrible without them, and if I really want to get into med school, I need to be able to focus. The whole physics test debacle is just a testament to it (not a fail, and not even as bad as my worst test last term.) I would have just attributed that to being distracted with J, but then my bio test grade convinced me that I really need to get my butt in gear, and coming off my drugs in the middle of everything may not be the best idea. (OK, so the bio grade was only a B, but I've always made an A on every bio test previous to this. I don't want to mar that.) So tomorrow I'm hunkering down for some seriously scary study time, so I can take my (take-home) Chem test on Saturday morning, and possibly enjoy some of my hard-earned weekend.

Also, I quit behavioral endocrinology (which I was only auditing anyway) because I just can't deal with the workload, and I'd learn more from just reading the book on my own time than attempting to kill myself for the class. I'm just not into that. Oh, not to mention the 6 group presentations we were supposed to give. I did one, and messed up, and that was more than enough.

On a similar note (at least, in my head) someone was talking to me about how I'm doing well in speaking French to her and she thinks that I have the vocabulary, there's just something holding me back. Then, later on, I was thinking about the time in high school when I auditioned to sing Christina Aguilara's Beautiful (okok, but I have self-image issues so it pertains to me, and the two guys making out in the video is hot.) Anyway, I was supposed to improvise a solo at one point, and I just. could. not. do. it. Nothing. Maybe a squeak, and then a sheepish look. Needless to say, I didn't get to sing it (aside from in the shower/otherwise not in public, of course.) So that just made me wonder about my shyness, and how people are surprised when I say I'm shy (probably on account of my hair color and flamboyant dress sense.) What is it that I'm afraid of? In French, if I go wrong, I can get corrected-- it's not the end of the world if I say something wrong (I do it in English from time to time, and that's my native tongue!) As concerns singing in front of people, granted they could say I'm horrible, but is that really all that scary, when it comes down to it? If I'm having fun, who gives a rat's arse?

And now for something completely different
(number one, the larch*)
*Monty Python, people!

I haven't called Ju back, because... well, because I've pretty much forgotten about him. I still have his books, so I'm going to have to see him at some point. I'm too preoccupied with J (notice the distinction, however slight.) Whenever I get a bit of free time off, I want to spend it with J, not Ju. Ju was a bit of fun that provides fun conversation and plays similar word games that I do... but he give sloppy kisses and just... well, it just doesn't fit.

(Conversely, that's how it feels with J; it fits, it feels right.)
I don't even know if it's really just my tendency to be monogamous-- since I still am flirting with A every once in a while... though far less frequently, because I'm more focused on J who is here, rather A who is in TX. Maybe it's a function of my obsessive personality, who knows.

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Sleepy time for the girl who hopes to get her Chem test done early in the weekend, but still be prepared enough to get an A (asking too much, maybe?).